Proper Chrimbo

Well, I've been very sucky at blogging, no posts for over two weeks! I can only apologise profusely and offer you lots of arm and cervix related talk and some Nutella (I currently have quite a lot for mysterious reasons). The spirit of Yuletide has taken over my body and all I've been doing is working my derriere off and hassling people with tinsel. And being confused by how many people feel the need to buy far too much shit at Christmas. SERIOUSLY. You don't need all this muck. Never mind presents, we should all give each other hugs. And sex. Only where appropriate though, don't give your uncle Jove any hot lovin', that might make your life awkward. Give it to me!

ANYWAY INCEST ASIDE my body has gone from fail to more fail with Santa shoving lots of ailments underneath my reindeer nose. When I left you they'd just found the sexy polyp on my cervix and given me a vaccination. Oh, how long ago that seems! There are so many things that I'm going to make headings so I don't get confused... All the masses of food I've consumed are pressing on my brain and making it swell. Probably fluoresce too. Who knows dominoes?

News about my Cervix

Oh, I an in a pickle here. They cancelled the thing to remove my polyp (I suspect the doctor was never even there in the first place, my GPs surgery has the organisation of a child who's eaten seven crayons) and that's even if they were removing it because apparently they don't even do polyp removing there or something, I don't understand. So my polyp is still polyping away. They didn't have any more appointments until after my trip to hospital to have the coil fitted (which the polyp might be in the way of, big mysteries, it also might not matter in the slightest) so I couldn't book in to have it removed another time. I want to talk to the proper hospital gynecologist about it but she's off on her winter holidays and I have no idea when she gets back. So yeah, I still have no idea of whether I should be worried off my head or cool as a cucumber. Luckily food and festivivies have done a good job of distracting me but my new years resolution it to be COMPLETELY POLYP FREE OH YEAR BABY. I also got the GP's to post me the results of my vaginal swabs which appear to be fine apart from the fact they forgot to send half of them off. And I don't think I can have to coil fitted without those extra tests. It's all just a general unmitigated disaster. Roll on 2014.

News about my Left Arm

Oh left arm oh left arm, how badly behaved you have been. The day after I had my vaccination my arm swelled up to epic proportions with a sexy rash and was also excruciatingly painful... Problem was, I'd forgotten which vaccine I'd had so wasn't sure as to whether I should be worried or not. I looked online and presumed I must have had MMR, that often gives you low level measles. OH YEAH MY LEFT ARM HAS MEASLES....... But... Wait... Oh, no... I lied. When my GP finally decided to answer the phone he told me I'd had revaxis (polio, diptheria and tetanus) so what had actually happened was my good old friend SHINGLES had crept in while my immune system was busy being confused by the vaccine. So up until the past couple of days my arm has been a big red ball of anger. Ahhhhh... Constanze, giving people chickenepox nationwide <3 p="">
News about my Nostrils

I also have a badass cold, green stuff is coming out of every facial orofice. It's actually been a pretty awful one, if it wasn't for the time of year I'd definitely have gone to hospital. I'm over the worst now though, all that remains are sniffles and coughs and I can almost feel my lungs once more. HIYA.

And how was my Christmas? Quiet. Just been hanging around, chilling with my homies and all the usual malarkey. I got a Sodastream from my mum and a remote control stunt car from my gran, I am the winner of everything ever and infinity and beyond. Jimmy Carr wasn't underneath my tree but I'm staying hopeful for next year.

I've just been to the sales and bought myself a pimpin' vaccum cleaner. I've lived in my flat for a year now and really felt it was time I possibly cleaned something? I'm building up my defences, alllllllright?!?!?! Germs are for cool people. But nah, soon there will be no more dust, another one bites the dust etc. Hoover up the dead skin cells of my enemies. What? My brain is a lightly salted kipper this evening.

Bath bath bath and bed bed bed time now. Then work tomorrow. THEN I BECOME DC COMICS BLOCKBUSTER AND RULE THE WORLD. Then go to bed again. Then I go to Brum and eat BENTO BOX NOMS then go to CELEBRATE A BIRTHDAY THAT IS NOT MINE. I live life in the fast lane, the fast lane of snacks.

Stanley Knife the Globular :) xXxXx