Absolutely Nada

Hassle. That's the word to summarise events since I last jabbered here. I have been hassling away, but all to no avail, hassle hassle hassle, answerphone answerphone answerphone, holiday holiday holiday. People in the medical world seem to completely shut down not just for Christmas but for the whole of bloody January too. Ack. I haven't been able to get answers from either hospital so my upper lady parts are still the course of many great mysteries. My polyp is still polyping, my cervix is still cervixing and my ovaries are back to their usual state of permanent nap. I still haven't had another period. Hormones, my arse. I don't think I've gone through the antimenopause at all, I think this is all just a conspiracy, a plan from my repoductive system to take over the world. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEW FALLOPIAN TUBE DICTATOR. ALL BOW DOWN TO THE GYNECOLOGICAL LORD. ONLY MY VAGINA CAN SET YOU FREE... ... ... ...I've done far too much awake today. Too many stamps. I need to sit in a dark padded room and sober up from the five million Twist and Squeezes in my body (that's a drink in case you're an international reader, not some weird sex fetish thing). Sugar rots your brain and your marbles and the small fireflies that live in my mind.

All this means there is basically no cancery tales to tell whasoever. I had a cold. I no longer have a cold. I did too much kneeling today and my knees are sore. I'm so tired that I can hear colours. Cancer problemz bitchez. It's just the season of people telling me how ill their runny nose is making them feel. Oh, how they have no concept. If you only have a cold you are doing very well in life. Like me and my well stocked fridge. Like me and my two speed hairdryer. Like me and my second cheapest sofa. Second best bed. I am not a widow.

In other world news there is a storm brewing where I work. I cannot yet divulge what sort of storm, whether tropical or arctic but I'm sure it will be resplendantly dramatic. Maybe I'll be able to talk soon, maybe I won't. Like is a mystery of a fruit bowl and I don't want to be in any more trouble than I'm already in for being a revolutionary with a Christmas tree. The poor innocent world of stamps.

But anyway, the main good informationz is that now crazy Christmas and nefarious New Year are over my blog posts will go back to being their once weekly balls of joy. You'll be pleased to know that I've made some resolutions in order to become an EVEN BETTER person in 2014. They're not even resolutions, more aspirations. They are the following (in no particular order):

*Make the Francis Bacon bucket list (in other words, a list of every painting by Francis Bacon with a view to seeing them all before I snuff it) and see at least five new ones or else
*Learn to belly dance (I really need to try and do some exercise even though it kills me, I can feel my body shutting down and I'm only 23)
*Put some weight on, half a stone would be ideal
*Seduce Jimmy Carr
*Get my Flowers for Algernon tattoo
*Visit Dnepropetrovsk and Turkmenistan
*Get a pet snake (an actual snake you absolute perv)

If I achieve more than one then my life will be deemed a SUCCESS. Or rather, an even bigger SUCCESS because let's not forget I've both sort of beaten cancer AND have my five meter swimming badge. And someone once told me I look like Ozzy Osbourne. I've got the brains, I've got the looks, let's make lots of money. More camera obscura 1980s references there, not that anyone's following, I'm certainly not, what a jumble my neurons are. I'm basically in a really good mood and also E numbers and tomorrow is Friday and I think I am typing myself to sleepzzzzzz.............

Deffodeffo sleepzzzzzytime now. Have a wonderful 2014 motherfuckers :)

Constanleyknife the Great the Amazing and Bananas :) xXxXxXx