Polyparty

Ah. Nothing is ever simple version 3005. You know how I've always complained that the "Find Your Sense of Tumour" conference has an offensive name because all us leukaemia patients don't have a tumour? Well...

I now have a tumour.

But, before you go of your heads with panic it's probably nothing to have a panic about. Very mostly probably. I've just been to see the nurse for another round of vaccine top ups and to have a nice little swab or two taken from my vagina (you know, that one I need before they can put the coil in). She put the speculum in and exclaimed that I have a small cervical polyp (basically a small tumour like thing) which will need removing asap. She was a bit confused though as they normally go hand in hand with an irritated cervix and mine looked otherwise happy. Mysteries. I'm going back on the 21st to have it lopped off. Who needs Santa when you have a doctor up your fanny?

I'm just really not sure whether to be worried or not. Only 1% of cervical polyps end up being cancerous BUT I am in a veeery high risk category because of my weakened immune system (almost everyone gets one or more of the many HPV viruses that cause cervical cancer at some point in their lives, in normal people they tend to go away by themselves but of course my retarded body doesn't do anything about anything) and all that radiation I've had. In fact, the bone marrow transplant puts me in pretty much the highest risk group. Plus I've been showing the main sign of cervical cancer; irregular bleeding (remember all that fun I had on holiday? It might not be the antimenopause after all) so mehhh. Meh meh meh.

Then of course there's the whole HPV thing, the virus that causes most cases of cervical cancer (I'm beginning to realise this is a really difficult topic to talk about without divulging far too much of my sexual history, haha. As if it's not bad enough talking about my fanny all the time), I find it difficult to believe I could have it yet, I mean, obviously I'm no angel (ahem) but I've never done anything stupid sexually. I mean, I've had sex with some stupid people, but I've never had any stupid sex with the stupid people... If you get my drift. Saying that, it can still be passed on even when using a condom (this is rare though). I know cervical cancer has the reputation for being the cancer that slags get but that's not at all an accurate picture, there will be people with HVP who have only shagged one person once with a condom. I'd be very unlucky if I have got it, plus I know I was HPV negative when I had my eggs taken and I've only slept with a handful of people since then... And I don't exactly go for the ladykiller type.

Not only that but in another twist and turn cervical cancer usually takes 10-20 years to develop and I wasn't sexually active between the ages 3 and 13 (thank fuck) hence I am not really very concerned. I mean, obviously I'd rather not have a tumour up my fanny because no matter how hard I try my brain is always a bit CANCER CANCER CANCER but warbleblarble. But even if if isn't cancerous (which it won't be, it's just my brain running wild with ideas) it's still damn weird. Polyps by themselves have no real definite cause but they're really common in women in their 40s and 50s and people who have had lots of children and in women that are pregnant. Surprisingly enough I am none of those things. I give up.

So yeah, I suspect I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but chicken dippers and horseradish. HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ME. I always wanted a tumour of my very own. But let's hope this one is an antikitten, that is, I'll just have it for Christmas and not for life. That analogy sounded a lot better in my head!

I feel a bit up in the air. A bit like I'm having sticks thrown at me. You think it's all over and you're moving on with your life and all these little things jump out at you like Halloween decorations on springs. I think I am going to piss off and eat lots of orange Matchmakers and sit on my sofa with a book and escape to a different world. I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit pissed off at cancer today. Usually it's a blast but right now it feels like I've got one leg in an iron ball and chain and the sparks are setting fire to my life.

Hasta la pasta,
Constanze :) xXxXxXx