I got pig iron

I am back! My little weekend trip to Lithuania went spiffingly and I have arrived back with 95% of my body intact. The missing 5% is being eaten away by an angry Lithuanian cold/headache but I'm sure that'll pass if I drink some of the 5000000 litres of vodka I smuggled back over here. I think my fridge is slowly being compressed to death with the weight of the Einstok inside and the vodkas on top. Vodka on top eh, sexy wink. That and the smell of hoards of dead tree sap stuffed in my pockets. At least it hides the all pervading stench of garlic that permanently engulfs my flat.

Anyway, the story. It begun well with us arriving in Balticland at the sociable hour of 1AM. Our local friend has booked us a taxi which went mysteriously missing, probably the exact second he saw us running around outside the airport. After some negotiations with the other taxi drivers (one tried to charge us three times the real fare, he soon got it) we finally made it to our hotel at around two... But did we get into our room?... Oh no. Our hotel doesn't have a 24 hour desk so...

We had instructions. Half an A4 sheet of instructions. Firstly, the code for the gate. Beep beep, we're in. Secondly, look for the mysterious safe box attached to the wall somewhere on your right. Type in the code. We type in the code. It's wrong. Try again. Wrong. Try again so many times that the box shuts itself down for a while as a security measure. Stand there in the cold and the dark and feel bemused. Realise you have to press hash after the code. The box is open. THE BOX IS EMPTY. The box should have our keys in an envelope with our name on. The box does not. Oh shit.

We need to phone the guy who owns the hotel. We have no signal. Wave arms around courtyard. YES. SIGNAL. OWNER SPEAKS LIMITED ENGLISH. EVERYONE IS CONFUSED. Phonecalls back and forth. Where is the key? Eventually he gets out of bed and drives to the hotel. He looks in the box. It is still empty. So much confuse. He makes a million phonecalls... And...

Some Belarussians have stolen our keys. And our room. They arrived a day early and just helped themselves. The joke is on them however as we steal their room back and... It's a far bigger, far more expensive one. Ahahahaha. Victory is sweet and sugary and delicious. Sleep.

Then Saturday happened. We walked out of the door and over to the main square and of course an absolute tonne of tanks and military vehicles suddely appeared out of nowhere. So we've either caused another world war or there's an unexpected military parade; they didn't seem to be firing directly at us so I presume it was the latter. I'd like a tank. I could drive it to work. I would look so pimpin'. The rest of the day was spent eating delicious raw halibut and visiting the Genocide museum (truly harrowing, the cells and torture chambers were heart stopping) and the money museum (full of coins and banknotes, wonderful). And there may have been a small sampling of some Lithuanian beer. Just a small one. Honest.

Then onto Sunday when we voyaged on a DOUBLE DECKER TRAIN to Kaunas. After finally getting on the right tram and escaping from a racist man who thinks England has too many "black and yellow people" who will have too many babies and we'll all be the wrong colour soon. I didn't realise he was being racist because his English was a bit crap so I just nodded as you do when you don't know what the fuck is going on but then after my friend was like he was so racist and I was like shit I shouldn't have been nodding. So if you're Lithuanian and saw me nodding in agreement with the racist man that was an accident, I love all of the 'yellow' and 'black' people. I love all of the rainbow equally. Ah, wherever you go in the world there's a crazy man. There was one earlier in Stockport pissing on a lamp post and singing something about the Korean war.

Kaunas was lovely though, we went to this restaurant that was full of taxidermy animals, there were even light fittings that were cages with little ferrets inside. We had a big platter of elk, roe deer, venison and wild boar. Later on that day I also had some delicious pigs ears, they taste lovely but are disturbingly like your own ears so I felt more like a cannibal than anything. Then it was time for the POST AND TELECOMMUNICATIONS museum, just because I miss stamps so much when I'm not at work I have to go and look at some more. The challenge of the day was getting the the Devil Museum which is quite literally what it says it is, some crazy ass artist collected various representations of the devil. It's hidden down a side street quite a way out of town inbetween some houses. On the way there it was raining and getting dark and we passed some eerie graves and a bell tower with people just stood still outside and flames and then the bells started ringing and it was like the start to every horror film you've ever seen. We lived though.

Monday brought a trip to a small amber museum and an epic climb to a castle in near Siberian temperatures. So worth it though, I saw the biggest sword ever and the most bad ass suit of armour. I also had a Lithuanian hot chocolate which is NOT A HOT CHOCOLATE. At least not as we know it. In England a hot chocolate is basically milk with a bit of cocoa. In Lithuania it's a cup of melted chocolate. Just melted chocolate. CRAZY TIMES.

Then we flew home and experienced 7pm three times as we destroyed three different time zones. TAKE THAT PHYSICS. And what have I learnt? That Lithuania is very nice. And that the streets are all empty and that Lithuanians are very quiet and very reserved. I'm not sure what they made of two loud Northern English girls descending on their cities but it's done now and I can only apologise. I got my snow too, even if it was the most pathetic covering the universe has ever known.

Oh and I nearly forgot, here for your visual delight are some stereotypical tourist photos of me posing with random Lithuanian objects. Firstly here I am with some telecommunuication devices...



Then with a wall mounted teapot. As you do.



Jizzing my pants in the money museum. CONSTANZE LIKES BANKNOTES.



With the first ever DOUBLE DECKER TRAIN I rode on. Constanze likes trains.



But after all the fun I had to return to work once more. I had a very difficult day today, I spent most of the afternoon on the verge of tears, mostly because I was so tired and so sick of every tiny thing I do being utterly exhausting. It's not as if I trekked to the top of Mount Everest this weekend, I just wandered around various creepy museums and ate animals. Everyone just seemed to be having conversations about illness and weight loss and tiredness and stuff and my head was being hurty and I would have given my kingdom for a sleep.

But I do feel back to normal now. I'll be as fresh as a daisy after a good night's sleep. I live life in the fast lane and I don't intend on stopping, it's just so damn frustrating how the world is such a fucking wonderful place and my body appears to be made of lead. Why does Eastern Europe have to be so big and full of exciting things?

I should probably go and eat this soup. It's barely lukewarm. Too much blogging, not enough eating. SEE ALL THE PAIN I GO THROUGH TO WRITE THIS HMM. Holyhummm. Holy roly poly. Clinic on Tuesday, we can see how that cancer thing is going. That ever present friend who's eating my insides.

Constanzistan :) xXxXx

P.s Drink. Conquer. Repeat. I AM A VIKING.

P.p.s You met me at a very strange time in my life.

P.p.p.s Lithuania rules.

P.p.p.p.s There really is a lot of vodka. Lithuania themed party anyone?

P.p.p.p.p.s I really am very glad that I haven't died.