Grumplecrisp

Oh, fucking fucking fuck. I am really fucking tired and in a swearing, frustrated and generally all round bothered mood. I'm so sick of being sick and so tired of being tired. I went out yesterday evening after work and it made me so fatigued and confused this morning that I missed my stop on the train and I was late for work. I hate being late so very much so I stayed later after work to make up the lost time and now I'm exhausted and want to cry. All I fucking did was go to the cinema. I just sat on a chair for two hours. And it leaves me like this? I can't even begin to try and convey how crappy I felt today, I had cramp in both my legs for pretty much all of the afternoon and I'm coming down with yet another cunting virus, all because I had the audacity to dare go to a short film festival. Some people climb mountains for peanut's sake. This is supposed to be the bit where I start living again, not hovering around the work toilets feeling like I'm going to be sick.

Ok. Rant over. That felt nice. I need a nap and the world will all be pretty again. Shooting stars and edible walls. I already feel embarassed about moaning, I need to get the hell over it. If I didn't want to be tired then I shouldn't have got cancer, silly me.

In other news I am DEFINITELY speaking at Find Your Sense of Tumour (the cancer conference thing) and the general theme is life after cancer. Which I seem to be quite good at, I gots me a flat and a job and a sick bowl on my windowsill. I have to jabber about all the cancer related things I have to cope with (tiredness, jobs, hospital visits, telling new people etc etc) and not swear and not flash and I'm sure I'll be wonderful. I am very excited. Very very excited. Talking is exciting and cancer is exciting.

Aaaaaaaand the day before last I had the most and worst swellings on my face and neck that I've ever had, it's starting to get properly hardcore worrying. I am not a balloon. Nor was I ever one. Nor will I ever be one. I refuse to give in! I think part of it is that I am simply suffering from exhaustion; my body is just struggling and trying to shut down but I simply won't let it. I am a damn stubborn bitch. No one ever got anywhere sat on the sofa watching TV. But then again, no one ever got anywhere walking into a wall because their legs no longer understand simple commands. Retard robot.

So yeah, today was a bit shit. Now I think about it though I did have some Edinburgh rock so maybe my current half dead state is clouding my review. I don't know. I go to a different planet when I'm this asleep :)

It's all laughable. I'm not dead so all is beautiful. I am find everything hilarious and frustrating and beautiful all at once. I swear I never feel any of the proper emotions towards cancer, it's sort of like a little brother, I couldn't live without it and I love it with all my heart but JESUS CHRIST it pisses me off sometimes.

Bathtime now. To pretend I'm a mermaid so I don't even have legs to hurt :)

Constanzoid :)

P.s I now have the newfangled invention that is snapchat. Add me and send me pictures. But not penis pictures. I am only interested in a select few penises and it's highly likely that your penis isn't one of them. Username: constanzead. Everyone everywhere, doooo it :)

P.p.s I have four ulcers in a row on my tongue. I feel like the monster from the deep. The very sparkly and glittery monster from the deep :)