Two Little Ducks

18. 19. 20. 21. 22.

I've now had cancer at five different ages. I feel like an old veteran looking back at some long gone battleground, something awful in the past that's somehow a fond memory. I kind of can't believe I'm 22. It seems a blink of an eyelid ago that I was innocently sat with my knees on my chin in some hospital bed reading a leaflet about this new illness I'd somehow aquired. I'm twenty fucking two. I've had this since as long as anyone can remember, what the hell was life like before all this, I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't ill. Maybe it was really terrible before, maybe I lived in a cage in Satan's back garden and ogres wiped their boots and bums on me. It's just weird looking back and seeing how cancer kind of completely engulfed my life and at the same time everything carried on as normal. What on earth am I talking about today? A lot of me hurts and I'm a bit very higgidy, I'd be in a really good mood if I didn't feel like I was about to vomit up a cannonball.

But like stuff, I had a birthday, hence the awful slightly drunk photo of me above. I went OUT for my birthday, I went in a nightclub (shock, horror etc) and stayed out until half past two in the morning. I only fell asleep once. Maybe twice. I'm really not cut out for the partying lifestyle, how anyone could ever pick sticking to a floor in an underground drunk person dungeon over a nice evening with tea and a book I'll never know. But I had much much much fun nonetheless, mainly because of the wonderful company and the free cocktail that an Australian and his 40 year old friend bought me. I have memories of trying to describe physics to a drunk middle aged man, I ended up shouting STEPHEN HAWKING very loudly but he just shouted that I'm not in a wheelchair :S

I'm just so incredibly tired. More tired than you could ever imagine. It was my birthday at the weekend, then on Monday there was a TCT trip to Laser Tag and I got nettled to within an inch of my life (they really do take us cancer patients on the most inappropriate trips, half of us were just sat in a bush with bright red faces and the excuse that we were 'snipers') and then today I went and wasted some of my birthday money in Nottingham. I bought a beautiful Chinese top (in a size xxxl, no joke, in China I am an obese person. Dainty and petite I am not, more derriered and skyscrapery) that was REDUCED and REALLY NICE and the little Chinese lady was very polite and told me at least ten times to NO PUT IN WASHING MACHINE. We don't have a washing machine though so that's fine! And an awful handbag in an in an awful array of colours made from awful cheap fake snakeskin, words cannot describe how hideous it is. That's one thing that's never changed, I had terrible fashion sense before I was ill and I still have terrible fashion sense now!

Ergh. I only ever write when I'm tired. Or stressed. Actually, it's usually when I'm overexcited but today... I will admit, it's an unusual day, I feel a tad stressed, I think I'm a bit blerg about all this university/jobs/work experience malarkey, I know it'll all be sorted in the next couple of weeks but now I'm kind of forward rolling in a maelstrom of question marks. It's kind of like falling off a cliff, I'm hurtling off Mt Cancer as we speak but as soon as I hit the ground I'll have some REALLY COOL BRUISES to show off (do I ever make good analogies? Also the word analogies looks like anal and bogies shoved together, teeheehee). It's funny how leukaemia stresses me 0/10, life stresses me 1/10 and people who litter FUCKING STRESS ME 10/10 THEY NEED TO DIE DIE DIE JUST PUT IT IN A FUCKING BIN. Will I ever get stressed about anything important? This is the most stressed I ever get about anything in my life (maybe I just care about clean streets more than I do myself?) and it's pathetic, I completely suck at being a deep and dramatic person. My brain "Oh, I have cancer and a very uncertain future, how discombobulating and not entirely ideal, I'll have to worry about that OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY OOO SUGAR ALL IS GOOD what was I thinking about oh yes very serious things I wonder what's for tea I wonder if you could skateboard down the Pyramids". Errrggghhhh.

Now it really is time to go to sleep before I'm sick on my laptop. And then there would be no blog posts and everyone would cry and no one could laugh about cancer and then there wouldn't be enough laughter to balance out the fact that I feel really poorly this evening and the sun will come out tomorow but tomorow only happens when I sleep today. Last night I dreamed that I was taking part in a major art gallery robbery. But we weren't stealing the art to sell, we were stealing it to put on hospital walls to cover up the awful prints in outpatients....

Night night normal people,
Constanze :)