Scooterstanze

Hello to you all, I am back from the Olympics with stories to tell and medals a plenty. Yep, that's right, I have gold medals in causing a kerfuffle, poor driving, overpriced Chinese food and being a scrapyard. Where do I begin? I have no idea. I really do need to stop writing blog posts when I'm really tired and super discombobulated. Where are my marbles? Rolling around in the EdExcel arena methinks.

So yeah, we arrived at the beautiful London Docklands to the sights of many crowds and many lost people. My friends thought it would be hilarious to have a loud covnersation about the amazing and hiistoric buildings outside the window, highlights included seeing St Paul's Cathedral which I'm fairly sure isn't tiny and made out of bricks and the Houses of Parliament which I'm fairly sure aren't in the middle of some council housing. I hope there were no real tourists listening or they really will leave London disappointed... But anyway, we got there and I was extremely paranoid that I had broken the 'excessive food' restrictions (we all know what a fatty I am, there were biscuits galore in my handbag) so I was already behaving very suspiciously by the time we arrived at the security checkpoint. Little did I know we'd be stopped for everything but the food...

We got to the metal detectors. I spent about five years removing all my jewelry (eleven rings, one necklace, two bracelets, one necktie, one belt and a pair of earings. Oh, and not forgetting the fake ear cuff and pin badge) and yet I still managed to set off the detectors. WHERE WAS ALL THIS METAL HIDING? I had to be taken to the side to have a body scan and it turns out my shoes were mysteriously metal filled and I was also wearing so many hair grips that they too were setting it off. So much metal... Scrapyardstanze. Then my friend took a photo of me being searched but YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE PHOTOS IN THE SECURITY AREA so they were suspicious of that too and then they searched my handbag and found all my cancer drugs and these weird sweets and more Smints than any human could ever consume and it really is a small miracle that they let me through. I can however confirm that the British Army like my hair. That's a win if ever I heard one!

As you can imagine by the time all that had happened my legs were absolutely damn bloody killing me. Then it became apparent that our event was helpfully RIGHT AT THE OTHER END OF THE ARENA, a mere half mile away. We saw some mobility scooters that you could rent but I was too shy and self concious about the fact that I don't actually look ill and wasn't much in the mood for stares and judgements so we walked it anyway then I was very tired and even briefly fell asleep in the boxing which was very distressing. We had some overpriced lunchies and on our way to the next event we walked past the mobility scooter place again and this time I was convinced into getting one... After three long years I finally milked that cancer I've got and had a mobility scooter. After a short driving test I was free, just me, my scooter and the world. WHY THE FUCK HAVE I NOT HAD THESE BEFORE? I can do shit without my legs hurting the fuck out of me, it was like heaven on four very small wheels!

Well, I say that but actually what it brought in physical benefit it sort of lost in mental destruction. Obviously I was already quite aware of all the wankers giving me the usual 'oh you're young you can't be ill stop faking it with that scooter' looks but then my friends started telling everyone to 'not worry, she's just lazy'. Which was actually very funny, hence the above picture of my trying to not laugh my head off and not kill people all at once. I only hit one person, and that's actually quite a story. I was with two of my friends, Friend A and Friend B. Friend A thought it would be funny to press my accelerator and make me (lightly) crash into friend B. So, he did that. But I panicked, shoved the accelerator down and wouldn't let go and went into him and a priceless display of weightlifting history and a lot of Chinese tourists laughed. Luckily no artefacts or homo sapiens were hurt in the making of this story, I did cry afterwards because that's the first time I've crashed anything every and I am now traumatised but at least I only crashed into my friend and not a stranger who'd probably have sued me for all the £3.52 in my bank account.

Then we watched the weightlifting, a North Korean guy won and set a new world record which was very exciting. Then there was water and deck chairs and cabaret and kebabs and it's all a bit hazy because my legs and brain were goo and somehow I got to the bed I mean to get to and happy I was. History is fun when you're a part of it :)

And that's that. I go on holiday on Friday, I need it after all that fun... It's only for three nights but I can stare at the sea for ages and ponder my life away. I really do love the sea, there's nothing like a stormy sea to show you who's boss. Then I come home and the real world will properly hit me like a wet and angry fish. Still no word of any work experience. I will sort it out. I'll sort everything out, my life, my career, my heart, my legs, everything, all, todo, I just want to stare at the sea for a bit first. Maybe the sea will tell me where my life is going. Or maybe it'll just get water on my fish and chips, who knows?

Constanze :) xXxXx

P.s I was going to try and make a joke somewhere in here that my legs will never get gold because I'm so pale but it never happened so just pretend I said something witty :)