Lady Undead

So, I watched some program about hospitals and stuff and PEOPLE DIE OF CANCER. I forget this once in a while and then it hits me in the face like a bag of bricks. The old 50:30:20 stats didn't seem all that impressive at the time but they feel pretty impressive now seeing as I am completely and utterly 100% not dead. That good old transplant I had gave me a 50% chance of being cured, 20% chance of failing and me continuing to have cancer and a 30% chance of failing and me just dying. Dying, like dead people die. Dead dead dead not breathing dead people. I've always been somewhat aware that I might die, don't get me wrong, I never ever expected to or thought I would (this is all shit I've pondered before), I mean, I knew I could but I never did and now I look back and it's like wow I didn't die when so many people do and have died and I haven't died and 50% really isn't that much but it was quite obviously enough because I'm still here and boring you with my waffle death talk. For every Constanze there's someone being eaten by worms. I do like worms but not enough to feed them people.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I am a very lucky soul. There's nothing I've done differently to the people the worms got, it's all just a roll of some statistical dice. Not that I'd be too annoyed if I died, I don't fear death, I love being alive but if I died tomorow then I'd die happy. Not that I'm going to die tomorow because I'm going to Barnsley tomorow and I am reliably informed that nothing bad has ever happened in Barnsley.

I just remember the points where I nearly died and even then I didn't nearly nearly nearly die, I just nearly a bit died. I'm not sure if you can actually make a scale of how nearly nearly you died, I think I did quite well but not as well as some nearly dead sorts? Is nearly dying but not actually dying the kind of skill I can add to my cv? Probably not, but a girl can dream. There are definitely people who have out-nearly-died me anyway. I suck at doing cancer properly. "OH LOOK I'VE GOT A SORT OF CANCER THEY THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE THAT'S REALLY COMMON IN MEN AND OLD ONES AT THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE DYING APART FROM ME OH LOOK I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A BONE MARROW DONOR REALLY QUICKLY OH LOOK I'VE NOT DIED AND I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIVE A NORMALISH LIFE". That's not how funny leukaemia goes, silly Constanze. Or rather, clever Constanze because I am here and typing all this schizenpleizen.

I don't even much care that it'll probably come back because I am totally prepared for round two. BRING IT ON IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH CANCER! Actually, please don't, but if you do I'll be here waiting with my array of weapons; my Swiss army knife, my pen with a lightbulb stuck on the end and my half eaten teacake. Nothing beats teacakes.

Shutty up now, sleepings time, night night nightzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Constanze who should really buy a lottery ticket because she's a lucky bugger with a sore back :) xXx

P.s Sorry for all the death talk but I'M NOT DEAD WOOHOO. 10/10.

P.p.s I just checked my pulse and I can confirm that I am still NOT DEAD. Simple pleasures, simple minds.

P.p.p.s Still not much progess on choosing real world options. Cv is 99% about me picking my nose in hospital. Too busy daydreaming about handsome Swedish men.