Shingle Bells Shingle All The Way

Well. Well well well. I've been a poorly little thing over the past week but I thought it was just my body going into meltdown because of the HORRIBLE HOT WEATHER. Then I noticed a suspicious rash developing in an almost rude area, to the left of my naughty bits but not on my naughty bits, here's a helpful diagram-

I ignored it for a while because I always get random sores here and there because my immune system packed his bags and left years ago. Then last night it got much much worse and spread and started swelling and I felt even more rotten (I'd been having awful nec pain and weird headaches all week) and I thought I should probably do something about this because rashes are neither fun nor sexy and are sometimes signs of very very superbadbadbad things! Especially when they send shooting pains everywhere! So early this morning I wandered off to hospital (it was quite a trek, there was a half marathon going on and ALL THE ROADS IN THE WORLD were closed) so all the doctors could have a poke at my funny ailments.

But I already knew what was wrong with me as I'd worked it out with my amazing medical knowledge. I HAVE SHINGLES. SHINGLES. FUCKING AMAZING SHINGLES. The ultimate old person disease. The clues were all there, the headaches, the rash that was a straight line on the left hand side... After having two doctors look at me from some quite obscene and unflattering angles and having some swabs taken from equally unpleasant places they came to the same conclusion; I am Shinglestanze.

So what exactly is shingles, I hear you ask. Well, remember how everyone had chickenpox at primary school? The chickenpox virus can then stay dormant in one of your nerves for years at a time then suddenly reappear as shingles. No one really understands why though, HOW MYSTERIOUS WOOOO SPOOKY. It's not that serious, it sort of could be with me because having this means my body is more likely to let other germs and crap in (you know, like when you put all your troops in the North to protect you from whales and then a fuckload of shrews come from the South and burn down all your wheat farms). The rash is in the shape of a line because the virus is only in one nerve and that's how nerves work and all that jazz.

I currently feel like the least sexy person in the universe. As the rash is now quite big and quite sore (all along the inside of my leg and on my bum) walking and sitting and general moving is quite hard, especially when you add the pain. It's not too bad now but shingles can be very painful... They gave me about a million tablets though, I have a ten day course so we'll see how that goes and hopefully all shall be good. You can have nerve pain/damage for months afterwards. That would be a bit smelly as I have things to do!

This also means my tattoo has to be put off AGAIN AAARRRRFGGGGHDSUKHDOIDHPS FUUUUUU FUUUUU FUUUUUUUUU. It's ok though because I have an ice pop :D :D :D

Constanze :)

P.s I am aware some of this might be too much information for some of you but I always promised that this blog would be an honest and accurate account of having cancer. That means you get all the WONDERFUL STAR STUDDED highs and ALL THE HORRIBLE RASHY PAINFUL WEEPY lows. Sorry guys, but that's how cancer works, we have to show all our bits to everyone and have no shame :D

P.p.s Seriously though, there are so many nerves in the human body, trust my shingles to be hiding in the most uncouth and uncomfortable place. SILLY CONSTANZE'S BODY. I LIKE HAVING A HAPPY INNER LEG.