This is not a video but should be

Radio video! I haven't written anything for a long time and I have no idea why. There's a lot to catch up on. Mugs of teas at the ready!

It's three o clock and I have been awake for one hour and one little bit. This is because sleeping was not easy last night as my liver is FIGHTING BACK (not sure what from though because I've not drunk anything for bloody ages and even then it was only half a bottle of 6% peach sake liquer). That's right, FIGHT THE POWER ORGANS. Or rather don't because I quite like cold winter mornings and they're slowly becoming a thing of the past as it takes me seven years to fall asleep then I need to sleep until tea time the next century to compensate and then my body wakes up confused and not even salami can solve the issues. It's weird at night now, my brain is pretty much asleep but it's like when you have noisy neighbours and you can sleep but only just and their occasionaly banging wakes you up but my liver is the neighbour and the only sounds it makes are ROLLY ROLLY ROLLY DO THE FUNKY BREAKDANCE. It's all very confusing.

So, last night was the filming of the "Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll debate". That was an outlandish lie, that was actually the night before last night. I was almost silent throughout the drugs and alcohol bit then they couldn't shut me up during the sex bit which is probably a bad thing but oh well. Not picking your nose for an hour while they film is extremely hard, as is not fiddling with your boobs and knickers. And not looking at the camera! I am a cinemagraphic (not a word) nightmare. I'm sure it will come out looking beautiful though, with the charming sounds and sights of me scratching at the air telling people to shag me. Me 1, world 0.

And yesterday was a day of MARATHON RUNNING WHERE'S EVERYONE GONE at the hospital. I suspect I went last week too but I can't really remember. Things happened but I can't remember in which order. I made about 100 four second videos of inanimate objects in the Hallamshire because you can't actually film anything in hospital that someone might not sue you for so these things are very difficult. Damn all those silly patients getting in the way of all the fun! I sat in the ambulance waiting area and the 65 year old woman next to me had an ipad and the 85 year old man opposite me had a kindle and I have a book and I felt like something was wrong there. I saw a sign that spelt unauthorised unathenised and it bothered me immensely. This area has been completely removed of Plato and Archimedes? Then I saw a sign in the WRVS shop that should have said grapes but said rapes and I am pleased/disgusted to announce that it only costs £1.36 to get sexually violated these days.

A man trying to impress me told me that he hated hip hop music (because I had just gone on one of my why can't everyone wear more clothes and stop rapping about shooting gangstas and play scrabble instead rants) and then his phone rung and it was playing Pitbull and he looked a bit embarassed. Ironic ringtone anyone? Speaking of irony and Scrabble (well, just Scrabble really) I went up to P floor for some reason and decided to visit the LEGENDARY ANDY and suddenly Shona and Caroline appeared (both teenage cancer nurse people) and they all showed me how cool the teenage/young person room is now they've done it up. It has a coffee maker and sky plus and a huge tv! I don't even like any of those things and I'm still jealous! It looks epic. Many of these things I made videos of. You'll see. I'm not bitter, but I wish there would have been a chair you can sit on without spinal injury when I was there... :(

The medical news was plentiful and mainly wonderful. My xray looked fine, I am missing no bones whatsoever. My ultrasound looked pretty much (I read over Snowden's shoulder that I have slight fluid build up somewhere but I dread to think where) fine, left kidney and all. I did have a slightly high level of some protein in my blood which appears only when some part of your body has been swelling which could indicate that some organ in my body is infected which could in turn help explain why I've been a bit extra pain central of late but who knows? If it's still high next time, MORE INVESTIGATIONS. I had to wee in a pot which I haven't had to do for a while (before you say anything this is not because they think I'm pregnant or have chlamydia, no matter what I may have said on that DVD) and obviously this was a disaster and I basically just weed all over my left hand. Luckily hospitals now have sinks so my hand is now fully piss free. My chimerism was 97% at the last count so they took another one and I now either have 5 weeks off hospital or another round of lymphocytes depending on what that result is. Oh, and my thyroid result was a bit dodgy- looks like another endocrine trip for me, probably a higher dose of sexy thyroxin. Yum.

I expect you to all look forward to the video that I'm making that will appear at some time in some format somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy. I was tempted to do a premiere in the M100 but I thought that would be a bit mean and I should probably support the Orion–Cygnus Arm economy because it made ME. Actually is the M100 in there too? WHERE THE HELL IS THE VIRGO CLUSTER? I don't know. There are a lot of galaxies and not much brain space :S Cancer eated it all, om nom nom CRUNCH CRUNCH. Oh, and you should also look forward to all the official jimmyteens.tv films I'll be in but they're less exciting because Cancerstanziod didn't make them. But they'll still be cool and I can guarantee no less that 7462 embarassing comments!

Live long and cancer!

Constanzistan xXxXxXxXx