The Royal Hallamshire Marathon

Aye, aye, aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee. Yesterday was MENTAL. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MENTAL. Excuse the French, but I don't know any suitable adjectives to even begin to describe the silliness, ridiculousness and general madness what went on yesterday. That is before I can even begin to discuss the rage, sadness, lolz, hunger, anger, exhaustion, confusion and laughter that went on inbetween...

... And all because of someone else's tiny little mistake. You people, you lucky people, are about to learn about how one tiny error of a slightly dopey desk worker can lead to one of the most hectic cancer days in the history of mankind...

I think that in order to fully convey the MADNESS this will have to be one of those journal style posts.

05:45
I am woken up by my mother making general noise in the bathroom. Look at clock. Swear loudly in head at prospect of getting up in 15 minutes. Feel moderately grumpy.

06:00
Mother comes into my room to wake me up. She's off out. I need to get up soon... Grizzles.

06:05
Mother has now gone. I force myself from bed out of fear of falling back asleep and not being ready for my beloved hospital transport. Microwave Muller Rice. Put clothes on. Resemble someone in fancy dress. Amble around the house in a lost and confused early morning state and wonder what I did wrong in my life to be up and awake BEFORE THE SUN IS.

7:30
Settle down in armchair to wait for medicar. Stare at crack in living room wall.

9:48
Hmm, I think. Hmm, hmm, hmm. It's that old brain teaser again. My two appointments were at 9AM and 10AM. MEDICARS CANNOT TRAVEL BACK IN TIME. And, with some simple maths, I managed to work out that unless the medicar appeared now and travelled at (remember kids, s=d/t) 100mph (which is rather illegal), I was going to miss the 10AM one too. Gah, thinks me. So, I phone up. I am reassured the medicar is booked and should come soon.

9:53
Return to thumb twiddling, finger piddling, window staring, occasional scratching and regular breathing.

10:02
Bored. Begin watching all the episodes of the new series of The Inbetweeners that Ive missed.

11.57
Run out of Inbetweeners. Am starvingly hungry, yet can't make anything to eat because the second I do my medicar will come because that's sod's law and how my world works. Begin researching a strange old coin in my collection.

12:52
Well, I thought, this cannot do. There is no medicar coming to pick me up this morning, because the morning has now been and gone, been and gone it doth has. That's another bazillion hours of my life lost to distressing amounts of waiting. Phone hospital again. Haemotology registrar is very angry no one has been to pick me up. I am experiencing a similar emotion. She says I probably won't be able to go in today, and she'll go and locate Ailene or someone and try and work out what to do, then get them to phone me back 'later'. I HATE IT WHEN THEY SAY LATER. Usually because later means either 'in two hours' or 'we're going to forget lolololol'...

13:17
Take tights off. Mis-spell some Malaysian place names. Wonder what to do.

14:06
I'm innocently eating some cheesecake when there's A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. OH MEIN GOTT!

14:07
I OPEN THE DOOR... It's... DUN DUN DUN... A medicar driver AND his car! Allejujarghhhh! I panic somewhat, as they hospital haven't phoned me back, but I decide to go with him because I'll be damned if I got up and 6AM for nothing. I was also going to run out of delicious life saving drugs if I didn't go. In the car, turns out he's been told my appointment was at 2PM... This is the bit where I fantasise about throwing things at whatever idiot office worker told him that...

14:27
I am now in Youlgreave, which is in the opposite direction to the hospital. Fail.

15:14
I am at the hospital. This is where the real fun begins. Now, the Royal Hallamshire hospital has many floors, one for almost every letter of the alphabet. A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q and r. You must remember this for the duration of this post. The hospital is BIG. Try and keep up, like. I need an analogy, to make it all clear, not only for you, but to not get myself confused... Seriously, I don't have a clue what happened or where I am or the price of donkeys or Malawi or eggs aieeeee, ayeeeeeeeeee. SHUT UP WOMAN. Maybe I'll do it like I'm commentating a marathon... Yes. Because that's what it bloody felt like... NO. Stick with the timing things, or you'll get mixed up Constanze. My legs are so angry today, it's like inviting a bull to la tomantina. Anyway.

15:17 Outpatients, Floor A
Nothing much happened here. I just went to tell the receptionist that my lack of attendance at the clinic I was supposed to attend (which ended at 12) was not my fault and please don't put me on the patient blacklist hopeful smile.

15:29 Day Ward, Floor O
Arrive at day ward to explain what happened today. Get told I was booked in for a suprise nebula, joy of joys, how I love horrible gas, woot. They say they'll take my blood there and try and find me a doctor.

15:48
THE LIFTS ARE ON FIRE. It wasn't me.

16:00 Medicar Reception, Floor A
Go to try and tell my medicar driver I won't be ready for 4, or indeed ever probably. He is very kind and helpful, and arranges me a new car for 6. Winwinwin. Befriend slightly mad woman in wheelchair who's just recovered from a brain tumor. She is pretty much me in 30 years, even down to the love of strawberry yazoo. Although she's been in more 6 month comas than me.

16:10 Respiratory Function Unit, Other side of A floor
Have unpleasent breathing tests. Dribble everywhere. Turns out my lungs are still crap.

16:45 Day Ward, Floor 0
See doctor. Have funny eye thing swabbed. See Anthony, the nurse who is not only cool but gets shit done. Nick Trot-a-los-sky gets me some not-so-yummy bodybuilder shakes.

17:05 Haemotolgy Ward, Floor P
Have icky nebuliser. Dribble everywhere some more. Write letter while holding the mask in one hand. Feel accomplished at multitasking.

17:36 Day Ward, Floor P
Pick up three grand a box drugs prescription.

17:40 Pharmacy, Floor C
Hand in prescription. Befriend slightly mad man. He liked my green hair so I gave him a grape. He had to go, so I said "Bon Voyage" and off he went.

17:59 FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM LAS VEGAS! All is finished, and I can go HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. By now I am so tired I become a zombie and start eyeing up the few remaining people in the hospital's brains...

18:02
Arrive at medicar waiting area. Feel about as close to death as someone on a tightrope with untied showlaces. Collapse in pile on about seven chairs, fall asleep, vow never to become this tired again....

18:07
My medicar driver has found me. Home is in sight! Or, at least I think it is...

18:22
...I am at the Northen General hospital. Which is nowhere near my abode. The medicar driver has lost the dialysis patient he's supposed to be picking up, they've gone a gandering...

18:38
Patient found! Set off. Fall asleep.

19:10
Wake up in an unfamiliar place. Ponder if I've been kidnapped. Probably not I think, as I spot my medicar driver running around in circles outside with a wheelchair.

20:02
Oh. My. God. Is that the sound of my front door key opening my door. I THINK IT IS. I have literally never been so happy to see my 94% structuraly safe end of council terrace in my entire life. Fill hot water bottle. Finally get a meal! A MEAL! Fish pie is eaten in 7s flat, All the world is joyous and good again. Nap. Nap nap nap. Attempt to watch Crimewatch, but get scared and have to turn it off. Doze about, refuse to get out of armchair. Try and convince Richard and Adam to come on holiday with me to the Sahara Desert. They refuse to believe I can get them a holiday there for less that £300 without travelling on the backs of lorries. Men. Typical.

23:43 BED. I have finally managed to drag myself up all 12 stairs. I am so happy. All has been achieved. Another successful day in the life of Cancerstanze.

The end. I hope you enjoyed.

Going to buy more coins for my collection and meet Jonty tomorow. That will balance yesterday out. :D

Must go. All hurts.

xXxXx