Maybe I should chop my legs off too...

So, it's the budget review. And imagine my suprise, after hacking Parliament's email system, upon finding this email lurking in George Osbourne's outbox...

"Whatup Dave-o!

Here is dat spending review u asked 4. It's full of propa good ideas man, I hope u is impressed man. Extra expenses for me ;)? I know u is rate busy running da country and polishing us forehead so in case u don't get the chance to ave a luk, here iz a summary.

I have made sum cuts to get rid of dat deficit thing- don't worry tho, they only really affect them common ones. I know u woz a bit worried about how they kept complaining on the tv and stuff and might not vote 4 u anymore cause we all know u iz a bit shit really, but I have thought of dat. My rate gud idea is to make university education so expensive that them poor ones won't be able to go so the will get stupid and won't be cleva enuf to complain n e moar. Genius, innit?

My other gr8 plan involves all them cancer patients who are complete benefit scroungers. I mean, it aint really even that serious. I fink dat iz wot the Daily Mail sed anyway. I is paying lots of people to phone them up and force them to work like, lazy people! Plus, if cancer is really as serious as they all claim, they will all drop dead after a week of work and we won't have to pay 4 dem no more! Bangin'!

Got 2 go, is time for me to learn sum more of dis hoodie hugging dat u love so much. I is learning da young person lingo r8 fast!

Kisses,
Georgie-Porgie-Fingers-In-All-The-Pies

P.s u is bum Nick Clegg LOL"

So, yes wow. I was a victim of the government's new "everyone on benefits is a lazy scrounger" scheme just yesterday. They were trying to arrange a home visit to see if I had cancer really and how fit I was to work... Right... So, you have access to all my medical notes, I've filled in every form you've ever asked of me, you have written statements from doctors saying not only am I unfit to work, but also that excessive contact with people could threaten my life, I'm in hospital most of my life, I dried the dishes and had to go to sleep for 3 hours, and you think I'm fit to work? I spent two days in a row awake in Oxford a fortnight ago and I'm still paying for it now! I have CANCER. You know, that serious illness. The one where I was given very dodgy odds on surviving? I mean, for god's sake, how ill do I have to be?!? Politicians. Gah. Is it really that hard to tell the difference between scroungers and the half-dead?

I'm all riled up now. Only microwaved fruit salads can solve my rage.

Off I go...

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P.s I am so tired. Send me all your pillows. Invite me to all your pillows... Pillow mountain... Candy Mountain! Let's climb the Candy Mountain! Too many painkillers again? Sadly not, I just misplaced mi mento. Es en la casa de tu madre! Aha! Eta maya klooch!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem.