How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

... I hate myself a little bit for using that joke. Anyway, today was hormone man. And what a day it was. For once, everything went amazingly smoothly with extra bonuses thrown in. Like, proper good bonuses. Better than any of these banker's ones. And more exclusive. Constanze 1, Capitalism o...

It all began at 6AM when I arose from my slumber and put on one 50s style floral skirt, one black lace top, one pair of red satin knickers, one stripey bra, one pair of grey and black stripey tights, one pair of red snakeskin shoes, one red cardigan with giant crystals, one hair net, one grey wig, eight hair grips, Lotus deodorant, skin glitter, Japanese perfume, Indian earings, seven rings, one D&D dice necklace, one Toy Story 3 Pretend Watch With Secret Sweet Compartment, one snake braclet, four friendship bracelets as well as disgusting amounts of violet eyeshadow, black eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, purple lipgloss and skin whitening muck. Then I consumed a delicious concoction of tablets, pomegranate jelly, protein shake, milk and warm water. I think I got a bit carried away with the detail there. Sorry about that. Anyway, transport came at a very reasonable time, plus it was one of the cool drivers who I make chit chat rave with. He told the woman in the back of the car (it was her first trip to the Hallamshire) that the transport department "couldn't get rid of me"... He he he. I embarassed myself massively, I mean massively in the car not long after. I was in a deep daydream. One of my favorite Depeche Mode songs came on the radio. I began to sing along, loudly. It was only halfway into the chorous that I remembered I was still in a car with three near strangers.

Upon arriving at hospital I was seen very promptly, much to my happytimes. Although not after bumping into all the haemotology doctors and nurses, who informed me I was betraying them by going to other departments... It wasn't exactly a very exciting appointment medically speaking, he just put me on HRT as we all expected. I was very happy to learn that my specific drug doesn't give me fake periods. Apparently though, some strange women want them back, to make them feel 'normal' and 'womanly'. People are very, very odd. No periods. Ever. Again. OH YESSSSSS. This is one of my wonderful perks. 350 less periods for meeee. It's a bit depressing though, talking about your lack of sex life to a 50 year old man who probably gets more action than you... (Offers currently being accepted) But he also gave me some very strange contraceptive advice...

... So, as any teenager will know, you spend your whole life having safe sex drilled into you... (Ho ho ho, I made a pun!) Now, I am infertile. Well, we're 99.9999% sure I am, as I have had my reproductive organs blasted and blasted with radiation (it's not physically possible to blast my ovaries with more radiation than I've had, just to clarify how much BLASTING has been done...), as in like there's a one in a hundred million chance I could get pregnant. A hundred million billion. It's impossible really, I'm infertile. But, being the wimp and child hater that I am, I asked him about contraception, in particular the pill, and whether I could still take it... He said, no need. No need for contraception ever again. Apart from condoms with new partners in case they've got penis rabies, but that's obvious. It's not every day your doctor tells you to ignore contraception! But.. No... Pill... Feels... So... Scary... If I get pregnant, that doctors is IN THE SHIT. BIG TIME.

Then, just an hour after arriving, I was FREE. I went to the transport area, and I was so early I had time to go and fetch a delicious meat filled panini from across the road. Sadly, this requires walking up a hill, buggering my legs to high heaven, but so so worth it. I had the daftest conversation of my life in the panini shop. I saw a machine covered in oranges with a sigh saying "Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice" and obviously all of a sudden I had a massive craving for such a drink...
Constanze "And a freshly squeezed orange juice"
Shop Worker "I've run our of oranges"
C "Then what are those?" *points to oranges*
SW "They're plastic..."
So. Frustrating. Things improved immensley though when on the drive home we went home via Matlock, where my sexy ladyfriends Zoe, Aimée and Manda were having a sexy lunchdate, a date which I thought I would not be able to attend due to my hospitalness. However, I'd got out of hospital very early, so the kind kind kind driver dropped me off outside the cafe they were at instead of taking me home :D :D :D. But if anyone asks he took me to my abode wink wink nudge nudge.

The only thing is how un-nerving the side effects of HRT are... I have to take it to protect my bones and stop them snapping like twigs, but is increases the risk of developing breast cancer, ovarian cancer, heart attacks and disease, strokes and dementia quite considerabley, especially because of the length of time I'll be taking it (every day until I'm 50...) Eek. And then there's the worrying minor side effect of 'unusual hair growth'...

Eyes tomorow. Eye eye. Then a trip to London town. After that, I somehow wangled no hospital till next Wednesday, so that is joy. Although on that Wednesday I have a lovely biro sized needle drilled into my hip bone, horrible gas pumped into my lungs and a whole day smelling like sweetcorn, they're proper making up for it...

Laterz ma homies.

xXXxXXxXXXxXXxXXx

P.s New hair opinions please?

P.p.s Thankyou to all those who have voted for my blog :) You have been noted, and are now a part of the master race...