Then there was a day my legs didn't wok at all...

Before I start, I just need to get this off my chest-

DRAGONFORCE!

Right, done.

Now, back to cancer. I have had a very bad leg day. Today they decied to pack in while queuing in the NatWest. I got very intimate with a plastic mortgage advert holder... I still however managed to stumble and hobble my way to buy underwear. If I'm going to keel over and die, I am going to do it into a pile of sexy knickers...

Hozpikulz this morning was goooooooooood. My blood is epic. Haemoglobin up to 8.1, 122 platelets, and, to the doctor's amazement, my white blood cells had stayed up well. When they took my blood samples today the nurse held the tubes at a funny angle, and I got to see my blood spurting in... Jesus, I have blood pressure and a half, I thought it was only supposed to be arteries that made you look like an extra from a horror movie! I am so engineering me a weapon when I gets betters. *mans tries to steal Constanze's handbag* *Constanze jabs needle blood spurting gun into arm* *BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD IN FACE* *Thief falls to floor* *Constanze wins...*

Speaking of strawberries, I have found a way of getting round this problem of this forbidden fruit... PANTS AND BRA. Oh yes, pale pink and covered in them. If I can't eat the motherfuckers, then I shall damn well look delicious wearing them...

Tomorow is another hospital day. After one week and 10 injections, I shall be going for another sexy vaginal scan. I think. I wasn't really listening. I got distracted by all the shiny needles. Shiiiiiiiny. (Top tip- don't self inject in a moving vehicle). See how many of my follicles are greater than 17mm in size. Mmm, follicle. I heart that word. I also heart the Avenged Sevenfold DVD I just watched. You did have my heart, at least for the most part. When I made that cup of tea. I wonder if A7X have ovaries. Probably not. They are male, I hear.

Today a man in the street with a clipboard asked me if I had had an accident in the past three years. I pondered if cancer is an accident, I mean, Marcy did send my a card with a picture of a turtle falling off a skateboard saying "Oops, you've had an accident"... Yet I feel legal courts would deem this not enough proof of an accident ever occuring. Licking radiation does not count. Slightly annoying that. Stupid people who fall over pavements get three grand, and little old cancer me who actually looks where they're going gets a couple of hundred...

I need more tattoos. Cancer is being seriously gay about that. I definitely have too much au naturale skin. And I need my holiday to Ukraine. Not the Ukraine, as Richard kindly points out to me four times a day. I was on the phone to him for a very long time yesterday. We have many things to discuss. Such as retarded cats. And my suddenly blonde pube stubble. BLONDE?!?

OMG. BLOATY HEAD (No, I don't see how that lead on either...). I want to know why real hospitals don't pop your head if it gets too big. It's odd how everyone who's invisible wears the same hat and carries the same cane. Heaped piles! Not a personal favorite of mine. And the tongue machine thingy. Ah, whatever happened to my carefree bloaty headed cane bothering youth? If you understand this babble you are very cool and should probably be promoted to Jesus or Samuel.L.Jackson something.

I would like you all to know that cancer is an exclusive club for hardcore people. Yes, the drummer from the Beastie Boys has recently been diagnosed. You've got to fight.. DUN DUN... For your right... DUN DUN... To not die of cannnnnnnnceeeerrr!

And now I am off to find my copy of Theme Hospital. I feel like being in charge for once.

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