I may have lied about not growing a penis...

***FIRST PARAGRAPH SUITABLE FOR LADIES ONLY!!! MEN- IT CONTAINS SPEAK OF PERIODS, RUN, QUICK!!!***

I know retro is supposed to be cool. But a certain object today was just not impressive. I had run out of pads, and there is still around one days bleeding to do, so I asked the nurses if I could have any. Yes, they said. Later, what looked like giant foot long white slugs appeared on my bedside table. After some inspection it dawned on me their supposed use. I reluctantly went to the bathroom to sample these Victorian style horrors... Walking out of the toilet, I noticed a new dimension to my groin. There was a lump. One of those lumps more associated with the other gender. I have to go for an MRI scan and live for the next 24 hours looking somewhat like a cross dresser... Which I know I usually think is a brilliant idea, but when it comes to doctors loking at your medical records then you crotch bulge... Oh dear.

***POST NOW SUITABLE FOR ALL GENDERS***

The doctors now think my legs are a side effect of the drugs I'm taking. This means I might get a wheelchair. This is FUCKING AWESOME. I am going to the top of Slack Hill and speeding all the way down! And the police so can't give me a ticket because I have cancer and it's not a motor vehicle and aha ha ha ha ha I WIN hahahahahaahhaaahahahhahahaha! And I can put rockets on it! Poooooosh! If they give me crutches I'll cry.

I have swollen optical nerves too, I had the insides of my eyes photographed yesterday. I got to see the pictures, and some comparison pictures of healthy nerves. JESUS. They're supposed to look like circles, mine look like volcanoes! He also checked my eye pressure, which bloody terrified me knowing how they take blood pressure. Luckily they just put a blue light near your eye. Boring. This means I am having an MRI scan later. Where I need to lie still. But can't. Because my legs make me twitch.

I was not impressed with that optician. I got taken down at 11.30, and was left in my wheelchair in a cold corridor until ONE! Why on earth did they take me down so bloody early? I missed lunch, and when I eventually got back at two fifteen I was late for my Gran's visit!

I recieved some socks in the post. These proved to be far more useful than the average pair of socks can ever hope to be. The nurses said I couldn't wear my jumper or I would get too hot. Lies. But they didn't think of the fact I could sneak on socks under the covers without them realising! Ahaha! Yes, I am a genius. I was warm alllllll night loooong. So, Lady Sock Sender, thankyou very much for your help in this dangerous and undercover (Hahahahaha) misssion!

I was also sent a whistle. As I am a real goth, it is pink and flowery. I use it to command Andy the nurse to my bedside. People have got me such cool things! Colouring books, plasticene, glitter, jigsaws... Stop encouraging me to be ill! Bad people! But thankyou anyway. And for all the cards, I have fucking tonnes. All stuck on my toilet door. That's right, whenever I wee I think of you!

I can't remember what's happened since the last post. I've been asleep. A LOT. While you're all slogging over exams. Good luck.

OH YES. I am being moved back to my old bed! Uberwin! Back to gossiptimes with Michelle. The short Chinesey doctor just came to tell me. Also, my blood pressure is normal, temprature a little high and pulse mental... I declined some free drugs. My legs are behaving mostly. I nearly killed myself running to the window to look at the storm outside, I collapse onto the fridge...

I might write again later, the nurses are about to start moving me... Eek!

xXx