The Cats are Acting

Yo guys,

What an eventful year my body is having. All those quiet annums in a row and now 2016 is proper living it large. Large like a bloated elephant. This week my absolute favourite organ is breaking on me. Like, my actual fave bro man da bomb. I am not best pleased. If a man had to peel off all my organs one by one in order of how much I loved them he would end up with a fanny, a bum (yes a bum is an organ shut the fuck up) and a set of eyes in a little messy heap. My bum is still happy and bouncy. My fanny is still moist and tempting. But my eyes? Well. They aint so good.

A couple of months ago I went for my usual trip to the optician to see if I could still see and I could still see but my prescription had changed a bit and the lady said she could see a bit of a film and then she went to get her colleague who could also see a bit of film and they referred me for a specialist appointment. As soon as she said film my brain said CATARACT CATARACT CATARACT because they are a known side effect of my treatment but then I was like nah probably not I bet it's because I don't close my gigantic globular eyes well enough or something. Maybe I was just kidding myself and ignoring it or reassuring myself but I basically forgot about the incident until my diary reminded me and I went to the specialist appointment yesterday.

I went to a new hospital somewhere in the West of London which made a nice change. Seeing the sights and all that jazz, yo. I was nearly late because a German child got separated from her parents on a tube train and they went screaming down the platform like they were on fire. I got all excited and everything, I love fire. But just some crying nine year old... CRYING IS THE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF FIRE I'm digressing aren't I SORRY usual I am tired bullshit bla bla insert excuse here. Because of that I arrived as dehydrated as a raisin but this fancy new hospital didn't appear to have any way of obtaining liquid so I spent my whole appointment talking through the Sahara Desert. I was there for ages and the doctor was super brilliant but basically there are quite a few issues with my eyes, some of which we knew about before and some we didn't.

1. My eyes are huge and I don't shut them when I blink or sleep and I have to train myself to shut them because my eyes aren't getting enough moisturey love. I also now have special eye drops and lotions.

2. My eyes are huge and designed by some kind of moron. The ducts that create the special oil are all blocked (I knew this before, remember when I got that nice cyst in my eye?) and apparently I have to do special hot eye massages every day because currently they are getting basically no oil like some shitty vision Lada. This means I have mild 'blepharitis' which wins the prize for least glamorous sounding illness ever.

3. My eyes are huge and get confused with footballs and I am always scared that small children will kick me in the face.

4. MY EYES DON'T FIT IN THE SPACE THEY WERE GIVEN. I can't work out if I was given too much eyeball or not enough eyelid?????????!?!?!!?

5. I have cataracts in both my eyes. This makes me unimpressed. As per usual, cataracts are something only old people get so all the information is based on old people. If you don't know cataracts basically make the lens in your eye go cloudy and blurry and are one of the biggest reasons people around the world go blind. They are very treatable but the problem is that when they do the operation on the NHS they cut the muscle that makes you focus the lens and that ability doesn't come back so you have to wear hardcore glasses forever and just generally have annoying vision. Which is fine when you're 80 and have that anyway but 26 IS NOT CATARACT AGE. It can also apparently take quite a while to get the operation. Sounds like you have to basically be half blind before they do it. And I sort of need to see, it's sort of extremely important for all that work I do looking for tiny minute flaws under a microscope. You can have it done privately and they don't have to ruin your vision (to save your vision) but that costs thousands. It's basically a lose-lose situation, hurray!

6. Probably the most concerning thing is that my left eye has some macular pigmentation and scarring which is new and had happened for no obvious reason. For this I'm having some special scan and seeing another specialist. Not sure about this yet and/or how worried to be. I JUST REALLY LIKE MY FUCKING EYES.

So yeah, as you can see my eyes are having a right rough old time. Ergh. I am really quite bothere by it because I would rather anything in the whole wide universe broke instead of my eyes (well, out of my stuff, I'd feel a bit guilty breaking children's legs but you get the idea alright). I also nearly forgot to mention the crazy yellow dye she put in my eyes and I tried to take a selfie but I couldn't see (mega blurry eye drops) so it looks rubbish.

You get the jist though, like a late mega budget Halloween costume. I blew my nose and it was luminous yellow and it made me jump. It was like that for ages, I went for some noodle soup afterwards and a man tried to flirt with me and saw my tissue and looked very bemused at the radioactive piss that appeared to be streaming out my nose. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY SNOT THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST.

Qwerty ergh machine. I am a sleepy sleepy one. It is a stressful time in my life. I have been generally much poorlier lately (had a mega ongoing cold for weeks now and last week I was having mega sweaty fits) and buying a house is stressful and work has been mega stressful and erghhhhhhhhhh. I am looking forward to a chill weekend. I am going to go to a bonfire and put my head in the fire and burn my cataracts out the old fashioned way. Great idea. Then I'll look like a rapidash but be able to see as well as that Eye of Sauron (I don't think I've ever watched Lord of the Rings through so I have no idea if that was a good popular culture reference, SORRY TEAM). If I put a hat on first I won't die. My gran lead me to believe that as long as you're wearing a scarf and a hat nothing bad can ever happen.

In a little while it will all be lovely again though. I move into our lovely new house and paint all the walls an offensive shade of green. I will suck out all my blood with the hoover so I don't have leukaemia anymore. I will continue plodding on at work until I have sorted the naughty clients out. I will do a big poo so I don't feel like a beached whale. I will write an email to track down an important eyeliner so I can continue looking completely unprofessional for work. IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVEE GOALS.

Anyway. I am now over the initial grumpiness about the eye stuff though and am now enjoying a whole new set of jokes about needing a guide dog/my fashion sense/blind as a bat/being some kind of African charity child/etc. Because what would people laugh at if they weren't laughing at blind old Cancerstanze :D

Lovely lovey lovely I got eyes in my tummmmmlyy and I feel like cataracts.

Night night gang.

Constanzeeeeeeee :) xXx

P.s IMAGINE BEING A FLY WITH CATARACTS HOW MUCH WOULD HIS FUCKING SURGERY COST JESUS let's all be happy we're not a fly