13 Eggs and No Funerals

YO HO HO CREW,

Well as appears to be the norm now I have totally forgotten to write anything for absolutely fucking months so sucks to be yoooooouuuuu etc (but really I am sorry from the deepest depths of my ventricles, I think I'm just a bit out of the habit like when you get addicted to smoking and serial murders or eating tuna). Just to clarify I AM NOT DEAD AT ALL no need for concern if I was dead I'd totally have made it into the Matlock Mercury and I know everyone reads that. My health is currently good. Sexy and Good. Sexy and Good and Delicious. Like a penis shaped jelly.

BUT I am extremely tired this evening (my job this week mainly involves having to tell people everything they own is shit which is about as thrilling as that channel that constantly shows Homes Under the Hammer) hence my brain appears to have decided he's off duty and is currently reclining on a beach in the South of France. Maybe I'll interview myself so there's more of a sense of urgency. Mustn't fall asleep before the post is over.

*this is the point where you pretend I am two people, one an excellent witty inverviewer, and the other a charismatic young cancer patient lost in a sea of drugs and Greggs pizza*

SO CONSTANZE WHAT'S UP WITH NOT KEEPING EVERYONE UPDATED YOU PIECE OF SHIT

I started playing Pokemon Go and they take shitloads of your data and information and I thought I'd hit my sharing quota, sorry.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE YOU LEFT THE SHOE EATING WALLS OF LUTON HOSPITAL

Several appointments and tests and stuff like that. The main thing that has come of it all is that I have been put on a new drug called Nilotinib which will hopefully both keep my cancer at bay and not have me inflate with water (can you inflate with water? I feel like the answer is no)

SO IS THAT PROPER MENTAL NEW DRUG DOING ITS JOB

Thus far, yes. I am neither a liquid nor a corpse. Obviously my cancer is a slow growing thing so any problems would probably only appear after a longer while than this but currently I am as spritely as a dancing rainbow

AND NO SIDE EFFECTS AT ALL

I briefly had a minor rash on my legs. Quite underwhelming.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MINT ICE CREAM THAT ISN'T GREEN

If it isn't green then it isn't mint ice cream.

HOW'S YOUR WEIRD STOMACH BUMP YOU FAT SLAG

I can't remember if I mentioned about this before but the whole being gigantic thing meant my stomach wall fell to pieces a bit and I had what's called a diastatis recti which normally only women who have has a baby or weightlifters get. I know that name has recti in but it has nothing to do with your arsehole just in case you think I shit myself now. It's just a weird bump running from your sternum to your belly button (your muscles kind of pull apart and let your innards poke out a bit) which is conveniently getting better by itself. Although I do quite like having it, it's a really cool thing to show off at parties.

I ALSO HEAR YOU'VE FINALLY HAD A FLU JAB AFTER IGNORING THEM FOR EIGHT YEARS HOW WAS THAT SHIT

It was good. My arm is a bit sore. The nice Malaysian lady at my local Boots did it. She is my favorite pharmacist ever.

I ALSO ALSO HEAR YOU'RE PERHAPS BUYING A HOUSE TOMORROW

Maybe. It's next door to a crazy singing church though so we're still a bit confused. While I tolerate and accept all faiths I'm not sure how many times I can hear the lord of the dance before I want to start throwing frozen peas over the garden wall.

TELL US ABOUT YOUR FILM

It's true, I have a film coming out. When I saw film coming out I mean I went to the optician and she said I have a weird film on my eyes that needs removing. They're not too sure what it is. Hopefully not the start of cataracts (a side effect of my treatment) because they sound like a right ball ache. I have a specialist appointment in a few weeks.

HOW ARE YOUR TEETH

My wisdom teeth were being a bit naughty but now they are being good.

RUMOUR HAS IT YOUR HAMSTER NEARLY DIED HOW DID YOU COPE WITH THAT

I was very sad but he is looking much better now. He had a big swelling on his face then he had teeth problems then he had a stroke or something but he is now so much better. His legs don't quite work but he was blessed with my attitude. The day after he lost the use of his bag legs he was running on the wheel. When I say running I mean taking two steps, falling off then getting back on again (repeat to infinity). He's now regained almost all the use in them. What a clever motherfucker.

WE ALSO HEARD YOU TRIED TO GIVE AWAY YOUR EGGS AND FAILED

I finally made an appointment to go and see the people at the clinic where my eggs are stored but then my other appointment on that day got moved and I had to cancel it and they had no new ones on the same day as the other one (following??? lololol) so I'll have to go next year now. I am feeling more and more like I want them to go to a good home. I need to know more about exactly how much say I have in where they go, eg could I choose a couple I knew to have them, could I donate them to a private research project etc.

P.s If you want some eggs hit me up.

P.p.s If I get anyone else telling me oh I might change my mind I will punch you, just as a warning. I do not want children and if I did suddenly want children then I would adopt one which has been my plan since the day I knew the stork was actually your dad's willy. I would really like something that means nothing to me (my eggs) to make someone else extremely happy. I don't give a shit about my children's genetics as long as they're not wankers.

ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO ADD

I'm so alive. How the actual shit am I still alive. Do you think aliens have invented crisps? I once set a tree on fire by accident. I got confused by some misremembered geology and thought the symbol for sulphur was Si and I'm not sure I will ever love myself again. Quesadilla us a nice word. Today I saw a bed that cost £2000. If I had £2000 I would not buy a bed.

K THNX BYE

But now now now I actually must shut up because I am totes destroyed and have more work tomorrow then I am off to Oxford on Saturday to pester old friends. PESTER PESTO. HARASS THAT GLASS. BOTHER THAT HOVER(board). Etc.

Life is sleepy. Eyeballs are heavy. Mom's spaghetti.

Farewell my lovely ones.


Constanzistan xXx

P.s In eleven days I will be in Albania. AL BAN IAAAAAAAAAA. Come at me.