A Strange Day

OH MY LORD. MY CERVIX. MY POOR INNOCENT CERVIX.

Yeah, today was odd. And painful.

It all begun with me waking up in the Derbyshire Dales at some ungodly hour and getting on a bus. The bus tootled along to Sheffield where I got off and went to Starbucks for an overpriced American beverage and lukewarm panini. During said beverage I noticed a crazy old man enter the shop and start talking to the girl on the counter. I went for a wee. When I returned the man had sat at my table (I'd left my stuff there so I couldn't subtly sneak away) whereupon he looked at me and decided I had to fix his phone. This would normally be all well and good, as you know I love the crazies but I HAVE TO HAVE THINGS PUT IN MY VAGINA VERY SOON. So I fix the phone but then he starts talking non stop about all the amazing benefits of getting a Nokia Lumia phone (I don't know if this is some bizarre marketing scheme, if is is I'm more scared than hypnotised) for 30 minutes solid and of course because I'm English I couldn't escape and argh. So I only just made it to the hospital on time. Those damned crazies.

But anyway, when I got there a lady with an unintelligible accent lead me to a room and told me to remove all clothing below the waist ready for my up-your-vagina scan of all the general reproductive area. I was then taken over to the scanning room and of course the person doing my scan happened to be an attractive young man. Why did no one warn me of this? So I lie there, trying to position my vagina in an attractive way while he takes photos of my uterus. Casual. I thank him while trying to waddle out of the room without getting lube on my favorite dress (bad outfit choice) and go back out to the waiting room. Actually no, that's a lie. I got dressed first. Because as pervy as I am, I'm not a streaker.

My gynecologist was running quite late so I sat and watched A Place In The Sun and wondered why anyone would want to live somewhere as hot and sunny as Florida. I also realised the waiting room was about four million degrees and laughed as I noticed all the women in the room had their legs slightly spread as to not get their lady parts all sweaty before examination.... I'm easily amused...

Sometime later Dr Nice-Lady-With-Unpronounceable-Name came to get me and introduced me to her newest student. She explained that my scans were fine, I still have that mystery fluid in my abdomen (it's been hanging around since I was diagnosed, it doesn't seem to be causing any harm so they're just ignoring it) but everything was looking beautiful and nice, what wonderful lady parts I have. Then we discussed how I still haven't had another period and she was like DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE PREGNANT and I was like OH HELL NO and she was like I TOTES DON'T BELIEVE YOU I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HEART ATTACK AND MAKE YOU DO A PREGNANCY TEST so I was marched down the corridor and made to wee in a bowl but luckily I wasn't pregnant so I WIN AHAHAHAHAHA. No babies inside Constanze. Except for all the ones I ate.

Next it was time to go and fit the coil and have the polyp removed (we had a little discussion about my polyp, she's not too worried about it). First things first, we need to measure Constanze's uterus. 6cm long, my favorite number, how exciting. That's apparently slightly smaller than average but quite boring really. Yawnsome womb. Then in goes the speculum (open vaginaaaaaa) and some relatively pain free chopping later and I am polyp free. I'm sure the nurse said it wasn't that big but it didn't exactly look tiny. I took a photo but it's so rubbish that you can barely see anything, just a mess in a pot. Then it was COIL O CLOCK. The actual process was surprisingly not too painful, one of those kind of odd sensations. And after some more general tidying of excess lube and polyp related bleeding, that was it. Freedom.

And as I walked out of the hospital doors, that's when it hit me. The wall of pain. I've never had period pains before in my life but BY JOVE I HAVE NOW. Not even period pains because I'm not having a period, just what-the-fuck-is-this-random-object-in-my-womb pains. I walked to the station at a 40 degree angle like I'd dropped a tenner. I now feel like I have understood women and why they're such a grumpy lot. If that happened to me every month I'd kill half the population. I'd kill double the population. I'd kill them, bring them back to life and motherfucking kill them again.

But now thankfully the pain has dulled to a mild murmur. It is weird though as I now have string up my vagina. I don't like this. I really don't like this. Do I now need to warn anyone who fingers me that they need not be concerned about the foreign object up in my lady parts? God, the questions I have to ask. Whoever said this cancer thing was a glamorous lark was lying. I have never felt less glamorous than this exact moment. Still, it's one more exciting feature to seduce the men with? Come and have a look at the bathroom light switch up my fanny? I don't think I'll ever get laid again after this post.

But I think that's that. I can now finally stop talking about my reproductive organs on here. FINALLY. That is, unless my polyp comes back as being evil but it didn't look evil so I'm optimistic. It looked really quite sedate. Polyps eh, who'd 'ave 'em?

Off to London tomorrow so I'd best get some sleep. I really hope my womb behaves because I have to talk to important people and not randomly shout out swearwords! Fuckpencil. Cuntoven. Dickspanner. Wish me luck leukaemia disciples!

Constanzistan :) xXxXxXx