Everywhere I Go I Drag This Coffin Just In Case

Another day, another death.

Yet another person from my hospital gang has gone to dance with the nebulae, this time it was expected although perhaps not so soon. It really is a bad period for all this illness malarkey, first one of my nearest and dearest cancer buddies faced a massive setback, then Dan's leukaemia coming back with a vengance and now another passing away from yet another cancer on the prowl for a second time. I can't remember a time as bad as this. In fact, it feels so extraordinarily adverse that I actually had a moment today just after I heard the news, I just sat on the kerb outside where I work and cried. This is a big thing for me as I can count the amount of times I cry every YEAR on one hand. She was a lovely girl, I mean, I didn't know her really really well, it's just this feeling of death sitting on my shoulder caressing my ear. No, scrap that, it's the feeling of death sitting on all the shoulders of all these people I hold so dear, whispering abandon all hope ye who enter here. There are too many dice being rolled and too many of my friends in the firing line. But still, this is the life of someone in the amazing and melancholy extra exclusive teenage cancer club. You take the joys of having this extraordinary experience and pay in of human life.

I'd like to write about other medical things in my life but it always feels very disrespectful after someone has passed away. Oh, woe is me, my backache is terrible while someone lies in a grave beside me. I am the luckiest girl in the universe and I will always be overjoyed at that fact and I don't care that things hurt. Sometimes I don't understand how things always seem to fall in my favour but I guess one day they perhaps won't so I'd better keep eating Pringles and enjoying it...

... Jesus christo mr blisto I've dodged a bullet and a tank and an army. I talk about death like it's a normal subject, the same as I do with hospitals. I scared a stranger woman at the bus stop by telling her all about how I went through the menopause at 19 and don't have periods. I really must try to not talk about death like it's what I watched on TV last night, people get upset very easily. People live in the real world, a place where death happens occasionally, not every fortnight. The real world seems a very long way away and I've had a really long day and don't even know what I'm writing about anymore. Que sera sera.

I'm going for a bath. Russian vodka in the bath. There is no ailment known to man that bathing and spirits can't clear. Paka!

Constanze :)

P.s Sorry for the post title, I really do like FIR far more than I should. I bring shame upon myself and all that know me.