Information Station

Ohhh, my feet! I swear they used to have five toes and one heel and now all they have is seven aches and twenty three confusions. BUT it was all worth it for today in hospital I had ALMOST ENTIRELY GOOD NEWS. So I remember everything I am going to do a diary style post, plus I like all the extra numbers numbers numberzzzz. As per usual I am knackered and I have work tomorow and they're going to kill me for being like a zombie but I'll just eat their brains.

ANYWAY. Here goes:

7:13 My alarm wakes me up. I panic as I normally have to get up at 6:01 for work and think I've overslept. Jump out of bed before remembering that today is a lovely relaxed hospital day :)

8:54 Get on a train. Eat enormous breakfast. Get on a bus.

10:30 HOSPITAL HOSPITAL I AM AT HOSPITAL. Have a wee.

10:35 I swagger on up to the outpatients reception where one of the nurses tells me they need a urine sample as soon as possible. I emptied my bladder less than five minutes ago. Typical. They also have to print out a thousand stickers as I've moved address and have notes that are easily six inches thick and they need to change everything ever and chaos chaos chaos. They weigh me. I HAVE LOST WEIGHT. I HAVE LOST ALMOST HALF A STONE. WHY. WHY. WHY. I don't want to have lost half a stone! I really don't understand how this has happened because I've been just as greedy these past couple of months, maybe it's just the whole "I have a job thing" ruining my fat bum. Whatever it is I'd better get eating some lard, sharpish!

10:46 I have to go and get my bloods done first because some doctor I may or may not have heard of says so?!?!?!? What is this?!?! In all my three and a half years of cancery madness I've never had bloods BEFORE an ourpatient appointment! I spend the long wait pondering what possible motive the doctor could have (I was extra confused because they hadn't even sent me for a full blood count, just hormones) but can't think of anything logical. I mention this to the nurse who takes my blood and she does a full check just in case (she thinks it's weird too) and tells me to come back and see her if I need any more tests so I don't have to queue twice, result. Blood comes out effortlessly, double result. Then I taught a lost old man how to use the blood tests ticket vending machine before giving a lady directions to the ultrasound clinic. I don't mind, in fact I like looking like I know things but do I have a big information sign glued to my head?

12:15 I am sitting in a corridor. There is someone sat down the hall who I'm sure I was next to in a ward for a brief period when I was first diagnosed but I'm not 100% sure. I don't want them to see me and think I haven't said hello because I've forgotten them, nor do I want to go and say hello in case they've forgotten me. Adding to the dilemma was the fact that I thought the person I was looking at was dead. So, was I seeing dead people or alive people or strangers? I'll never know because I started eating a pancake and was distracted and lost sight of them and this was not an interesting part of my day.

12:30 Have my waist measured. It's perfect. Have my blood pressure taken. It's normal for me; a bit low because I'm too busy digesting food to pump blood.

13:00 It's doctor time! The wonderful Dr Snowden appears and tells me all the answers to all the questions in the entire universe. It turns out I didn't need to have my blood taken first and that was a miscommunication, I was just having some extra tests because soon I will be attending the SURVIVORSHIP CLINIC (AKA the late effects clinic). Now, let me explain, normal people have cancer then get better or die. The ones who get better will attend the late effects clinic to keep an eye on them and look after any treatment/cancer related issues. As I am neither cured nor not cured I get to go to both, that is continue attending the hardcore haemo clinic and the 'you're better now so leave us alone you creep' late effects clinic. ALL THE CLINICS. I think I'll be getting a letter about it soon. I also did my classic trick of talking myself into a bone marrow extraction, it's in about a week and a half, whoops. And it turns out that I'm low in B12 which means I might have to have lots of extra injections. This is however very confusing as B12 is found in meat, eggs and milk, all of which I eat one thousand fucktonnes of every single day... As per usual my retard of a body is forgetting to absorb the goodness. ABSORB DAMNIT!!! Anyway, I wandered out of my appointment full of happiness and joy; aside from the fact that my body can't understand digestion I am all in one piece and haven't died at all yet and haven't had any serious complications for a long while now. V for victory!

13:20 One of the nurses gives me a jug and a pot. I have to wee in the jug then pour it in the pot. I am not ashamed and skip down the corridor, jug in hand, trying to work out if people had worked out why I was running around with a jug. Wee in jug effectively. 177ml. Pour some wee into pot like a complete pro. Then wonder what is the morally correct thing to do with my disposable jug.... Do I put it in a normal bin or will that create a biohazard? Do I hunt around and try and find a special clinical waste bin? Do I wash it out and use it in my kitchen at home? Well, you'll be pleased to know that I just put it in the bin in the hope that no one would be going around bin licking later. I returned to outpatients and announced to the corridor that I have made some wee and proudly presented my urine to the nurses. Then wondered what exactly is wrong with my head :)

13:45 Back to blood tests! The nurse I saw has gone on lunch and some elderly people glare at me because they think I've jumped the queue, it turns out everything is good. As the nurse took all the extra blood I needed and my right arm has evaded a good jabbing.

14:00 I am in the pharmacy. Laugh at an impatient woman being impatient. Wonder what it's like to be impatient. Decide being in the land of zog is better.

15:00 I have drugs! So many drugs. The girl asks if I've had them before. I laugh again and say loads. She ignores me and gives me a five minute lecture anyway, all about how I have to take one of my tablets before a meal and one after and bla bla bla. I take nine tablets a day. Some need to be taken before food, some with and some after. I am not having six different tablet taking times every day, that's bloody stupid. Just shovel them all in at once and wash them down with some Crusha.

15:30 I have finally managed to get out of the hospital after explaining how the pharmacy numbers work to an old lady and gossiping with some of the nurses.

16:00 My reward is here. I have a big bowl of noodles with all of the meats in. Noodles make cancer worth it.

And that my friends, is it. I have other things to tell you but I am just too knackered now. Sleeptime for me, what a wonderful night of dreams I shall have :)

Constanze xXxXx

P.s My lip is starting to swell up. WHY. I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIP. Cross your fingers it's stopped by tomorow or I will do some serious people scaring on the 7:18 to Crewe!