All of the questions ever answered

Ahoy everyone! Beware of the epic longness of this post, it goes on for about a year. If you only have a short amount of time you may want to turn back now, don't worry, I won't be offended. I do waffle on and I know it and I am very very sorry :)

Aaaaaand now, onto the answers to all the questions everyone asked me. Absolutely no one asked me anything about cancer which is confusing; it could mean that I've really clearly and concisely told you everything there is to know about leukaemia and you have no further questions OR it could mean the most interesting things about me aren't related to my blood OR it could just mean that I am reading too deeply into unimportant things. Also you're all very anonymous which I don't mind but you might be government spies trying to get all the top secret cancer things out of me so you have to promise to all NOT BE SECRET AGENTS. ANYWAY. Here are the answers, enjoy them and try and remember that I have eaten a lot of custard creams today.

Anonymous asked "Would you rather a duck sized lion or a lion sized duck?"

This is an easy one for me. I can't remember if I recited the story about ducks and I on here but basically, to cut a long story short there is a river with rocks in it that my friend and I like to sit on. Sometimes there are deer and sometimes there are ducks. But never crocodiles. Now and then we feed the ducks bread. The ducks are usually friendly and cute and you could cuddle them until their innards become outards BUT THEN ONE DAY THEY TURNED EVIL. They mobbed us for all of our picnic and one bit me really hard and it hurt and I had to throw a box of scones across a river to stop them being eaten by greedy anatidaes and even now this is a painful and traumatic story. They just went from sweet to Satan in a matter of seconds. So without doubt I'd rather a duck sized lion. Even though lions have a fucked up hierarchy whereby the women hunt all the food then the men eat it all first. I WANT TO EAT IT ALL FIRST. But ducks have really hard and hurty beaks which I would be terrified of if they were huge so I am 100% for the miniature lion!

Ryan asked (in a far more eloquent fashion, I had to cut it down, apologies my articulate friend) "There are a limited few famous Benedicts knocking about the globe, so who should be next on my befriend list?"

Now then, I know you're a very smart guy so I am going to presume you've invented time travel and that going back a few years isn't an issue. I have selected for you a very cool guy called Benedict Arnold. Sometime in the good old American Revolution he was busy being a busy American general but then one day he was like fuck this shit the poofaces in congress aren't being nice enough to me so I am going to bugger off and DEFECT TO THE BRITISH. Not that it mattered much because they still won and got to be independent and all that jazz but still, it's nice that sometimes people want to be British. Even though America does have some good things like bigger sandwiches and more deserts. He also had lots of kids which shows he knew how to work the layyydiessszzz so you can go on lots of petticoat ruffling nights out :)

Anonymous Janie asked "First, do you have any brothers or sisters and second, what is your favourite current (or current-ish) TV programme?"

Aieee, I'll answer the first question in my answer to another question below for mucho concise-eee-nezz but hmm, TV programs... This is slightly problematic as I don't own a tv (as you know I'm obsessed with living in the past) BUT there are a few things that I simply can't resist. Murder, She Wrote is the best thing in the universe because Jessica Fletcher is my heroine and I am aiming to be the more mentally untidy version of her. Take Me Out always makes me happy as I like sitting there thinking jesoos christo I am more clever and attractive than all of these people put together, plus it's presented by a Northerner. And I like Diagnosis Murder and Bizarre ER and anything about hospitals and the news. Also I am very happy that you like my blog and you can ask me 102 questions whenever you like!

Spacewarp asked "Where's more fun to live? Chesterfield or Stockport? And Why?"

Ah, well, this is diffucult to answer because I didn't actually live in Chesterfield before, I lived in a field in the middle of nowhere about 25 minutes away. So Stockport is a lot more fun than living in a void of anything but Chesterfield will always be my wonderful towny soulmate. There's no Wilko's in Stockport and until that changes I can't even begin to consider the fact that it could ever challenge Chez!

Anonymous asked "How is it that you know dead loads about blood, postcards and stamps, eating, and vomit - is you a genius, is you??"

I'll definitely credit myself with being an eating genius (where did that herd of cows go? CONSTANZE ATE THEM ALL, WHOLE WHOLE WHOLE) and I am really damn good at making shitty blood so maybe that too. Less good at vomiting now I live in a flat and have to pay bills and stuff, my body now likes to keep the food in my stomach for tax purposes (it's definitely the bills and not me getting better? I know nicht, nein, nicht) so I've kind of fallen from grace and done a retardation in that respect. Stamps and postcards are somewhere in the middle, granite paper confuses me and I do get a lot of papercuts. So overall I am probably a genius, just in slightly useless and obscure things :)

Anonymous asked "Any siblings? Did you live with your parents before moving?"

My family is quite confused and no one talks to anyone except me (I talk to EVERYONE and exist as the little go between) so I don't talk about them much because they're all crazy and bla bla bla. I lived with my mum before I moved out and I have three half sisters on my dad's side, as far as I know my parents were never really together. Not much else to say here apart from you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!

Anonymous asked "Can you fir your fist in your mouth?"

I am not sure what this question means. Fir is not a verb, it is a noun. Maybe you went German in the middle of your sentence? FUR FUR FUR. Or is fir hipster gangster slang for something? Yeah, I totally can pine cone my fist mannn. Of if it was just a simple typo and you meant to say fit then no I can't and now I have a slobbery hand :)

Anonymous asked "What's your favourite book? What's your favourite film? What's your favourite song?"

Book is Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes (which I'm getting a tattoo of soon), I love that book so so so much. I bought it for 10p in a book sale and it was the best 10p I've ever spent, hands down and up and halfway between. Film is either Save the Green Planet or I'm a Cyborg but That's OK (they're both Korean) depending on what mood I'm in (the former when I'm feeling grumpy, the latter when I'm happy or romanticy). I love world cinema and random little films; things like Moonrise Kingdom and Killer Joe and anything by Almodovar or Georges Melies. As for songs, there's so very many but Tonight Tonight by the Smashing Pumpins wins, it's the perfect song to dance around to and pretend I'm a Victorian and that everyone isn't glued to their iPhones and everything is very simple. But many more too, some songs and bands are just perfect for a certain moment or emotion; Living on the Ceiling for defiance, anything by Machine Head for excitement, Silver and Cold for love, Type O Negative for sex, Rammstein for thoughts, Alphaville for sadness, the list goes on and on forever.

So yeah, they're all the answers to all the questions that ever lived and existed and all that stuff and bla bla bla. I hope you enjoyed that deep and philosophical (ahem) look into the insides of Constanze.

Aside from all that the world of cancer hasn't had much of extortionate excitement happening. The most that's happened is that I've had another one of those realisations that there are a lot of my friends that aren't really friends at all. The problem is that everyone has to be nice to the cancer patient but then when the cancer stops being so cancery there's suddenly no reason to care or bother and why not be busy for the rest of your life, I'm not sure I'm interested in subscribing to your laziness anyway. I've tried to have three flatwarming parties and I find it completely astounding how many people have simply ignored invites. Perhaps it's my outdated values making me seem odd again but I do feel it's polite to say no, I don't mind if people can't come or don't want to come but just ignoring? And just those people I've spent the past few years travelling to see to keep friendships alive and as soon as the tables are turned and they have to get on a train it's simply too much. Of course people are genuinely ill or skint or busy or forget and I don't mind all that jazz but I have felt quite let down by some of my 'friends' over the past couple of weeks and it has been a bit of a slap in the face. I'm glad of it though, it makes the good ones shine though like stars and sparkles. I have some very glittery friends and it makes me very happy :)

Bone marrow extraction tomorrow, that should be fun times. As long as I get some kind of photo. Picture pictures pictures to cut a long photo short I lost my mind. I seem to remember putting up a photographature of the needle last time, this time I'll aim to take a photo of the actual marrow they remove. I'll warn you now though, it's really underwhelming. It's just a lump.

Foodtimes now, it's time to create some kind of meat, slightly mouldy pepper and giant Cheshire egg based meal. SOUNDS DELICIOUS HOW SURPRISING THAT SOMEONE WHO EATS SO MUCH MOULD GOT CANCER. I am insane in the membrane and today is good because I have been productive and did very well in a geography test :)

Constanze :) xXx