Podiatric Shibari

Ah, what a remarkably unflattering angle/pose for a photo. This is me relaxing after having my metabolic bone scan. The big machine arm thingy hovering above me is the thing that lobs out all the x-rays all over my spine and hips to see if my bones are still sexy and dense. Please try and ignore how my feet look disturbingly deformed, I mean, they're a bit deformed in real life (I have the world's highest arches) but my tights have somehow morphed my feet into anticlaws, raa, I am an eagle etc.

That appointment came shortly after the most depressing event of my life. What event was that I hear you cry? I was on the bus looking at a Northern General Hospital map. There were two women behind me. They started talking to me and one asked if I could make sure the other lady (an old pensioner) got off at the right stop for the hospital (they weren't together, just two randomers). So, I help this lady, get her off the bus, get chatting to her. She's a little bit confused but most of her marbles are there and she tells me about how she's 86 and has survived lung cancer AND bowel cancer (I mean, that's statistically amazing). We then proceed to walk up the big hill to the main entrance. She beats me up the hill and isn't even out of breath. I am bright red, huffing, puffing and generally dying. What the actual bottom botherer? I am now less mobile than a 86 year old double cancer survivor? God damn that lady was a legend. If only she could remember the name of the person she was visiting or what ward they were in then she would probably be the ruler of the whole universe. But seriously Constanze's legs? Seriously?

But anyway, I'll get the results of that scan at my next clinic appointment. They might be a bit confused though because I spent the whole scan being bothered by the fact that s&m by Rihanna was playing on the radio. I've said it before and I'll say it again; everyone loves some s&m but I do not love s&m when I'm trying to have a bone scan. Most inappropriate background music ever. I suppose my feet were tied up? At least the lady who did my scan was really cool, she took the photo for me which always makes my day. I turn into a photo mad loon whenever I enter a medical institution, OH LOOK I'M BLEEDING IT'S PHOTO TIME, OH LOOK RADIATION, GRAB A CAMERA. Goreographystanze.

And then the day after was another trip to the same hospital, joy of joys! I love how the pulmonary function unit send you a letter telling you to 'avoid any strenuous activity' on the day of your test then POSITION THEMSELVES ON THE TOP OF THE BIGGEST FUCKING HILL IN THE UNIVERSE. The above photo was supposed to be me desperately crawling down the corridor being all exhausted and shit but I just look drunk (as always). The results of that are also yet to be analysed in the context of me (that didn't make sense). Basically, the guy doing the test (who has broken pretty much every bone in his body) said that my tests had improved from last time (woohoo!) and my lungs are fine at taking air in (more party) but I'm a bit below average for oxygen transfer (or whatever it's called) (too many brackets today, sorry). So basically I'm really good at breathing but my lungs are a tiny bit slow at letting the actual oxygen enter my bloodstream. But only a tiny bit. Plus a doctor has to work out if that's normal considering all the thousands of drugs I'm taking. Complicated, that's what my body is.

All my hospital efforts were however rewarded when I found some sour Pez for sale. You NEVER find sour Pez, I see them about once a year and go crazy and panic buy five million and oh my god I have so much sugar in my system it's ok thought because I am making up for the fact I was only able to eat a 'light meal' before my lung tests. Light meal?!? I don't do light meals. I do stomach breaking, life ending, intestine crushing, gASTRONOMICAL meals. It hurt me deeply inside to go into KFC and only order two hot wings and a medium popcorn chicken. The shame. If I'm ever famous this is the kind of stuff the Daily Mail will publish about me, "SHOCK STORY CONSTANZE CAUGHT ONLY CONSUMING A MEAL WITH LESS THAN 4000 CALORIES". Aiiieeeeee. Must have all the bacon to balance out.

Sleeptimes now. Oh my I am looking forward to sleep so much. I've extreme deep breathed out and extreme breathed in and held it so many times today that my intercostal muscles have left the building. Night night night night followers of the sexy cancer!

Constanze The Great The Sleepy And The Confused :) xXx