Girls, Girls, Cancer

Afternoon folksies. I should be in prison right now because I have been a very very bad patient. I've turned into the Motley Crue of the cancer ward with my rebellion and rock star behaviour... Well, almost, I feel like that but in the grand scale of bad cancer behaviour I'm still doing pretty shit. There are people who refuse chemo and tablets and don't go to appointments and start fights with the doctors... And then there's Constanze who puts off phoning the hospital with a little virus for three days. I'll be shooting up heroin and pimping out some whores before you know it. NOT. But yeah, I managed to catch me some virus at FYSOT, woohoo, there's no gain without some pain and some mucus and some snot and some coughing and having a woman move her children away from you on a train.

So let's go back in time. Sit in your imagination chair and take yourself back to the middle of last week and my last blog post. You may remember me saying "THERE IS NO VIRUS TO SEE HERE AND NO NEED FOR ME TO PHONE THE HOSPITAL" and other such virus denying comments. Well, this denial went on for quite a while, I was coughing up the greenest phlegm I've ever made and so so so much snot and I'm fairly sure someone was lawnmowing my brain while I slept and by the time I was going to see Rammstein on the Friday I had ceased to be human and was just a pile of green mucus squelching across the floor. Getting to the gig felt like I was doing some sort of awful slow motion marathon, being the intelligent woman that I am I'd booked a seat one row from the back of the arena and by the time I'd got all the way up there I was pretty much at the end of my life. I proceeded to cough my left lung onto the guy in front of me. I got chatting to the person next to me and the first thing he said when I found out I had cancer was "My mum died of cancer" and I was like yeah, judging by the amount of coughing I'm doing I think I'll be joining her! Rammstein were amazing though, completely worth pretending I'm not ill and nearly killing myself for :)

Then came Saturday. I slept until about three because all my body's efforts were being used in making mucus and not in waking me up which is a bit inconvenient. I soon realised that I had to come clean and confess my illness to the hospital. So, I phoned up day ward. No answer. And again, no answer. Then I remembered it was a Saturday and day ward closes early, duh. Then I phoned the transplant nurses. Then I phoned them again, still no answer, then I remembered AGAIN THAT IT'S A SATURDAY AND THE DON'T WORK ON SATURDAYS FOR GOD'S SAKE GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD IT'S A SATURDAY. So, I phoned the last port of call, P3. And there was no answer. I phoned again, there was no answer. I decided that no one loved me and went to watch Murder, She Wrote.

I slept through most of Sunday then on Monday my beautiful friend David invited me to the cinema with him to see a lovely (horrendously disturbing) film about a man who locked a little boy in his cellar. This completely hideous film was showing in Sheffield, where the hospital just happens to be so I phoned them up really early in the morning and SOMEONE ANSWERED. THEY LOVE ME AGAIN!!! A nurse went off to talk to Lord Yusef to see if he wanted to see me and he did and I felt happy. I was starting to feel a bit better though and my phlegm was no longer bright green (my snot still was) and I was a little sad that I couldn't show it off to everyone. When I actually got to hospital my phlegm went all shy and I could only manage a really pathetic sample (as soon as I got on the bus to leave I coughed up the biggest lump of mucus you've ever seen, I swear to god, I was so angry I nearly made the driver turn the bus around) and I wasn't very impressed with myself. Even after jabbing myself down my neck with the good old throat swab there was no sign of anything exciting and green. I just have to take extra drugs and hope it all goes away, there was talk of a chest x-ray but no one could quite be bothered. Silly Constanze's body.

So now I'm just sat coughing and taking five million antibiotics and waiting for this general infection/virus/whatever to bugger off. I'm excited to see what the hospital will grow off my samples, I hope it's another cool one to tick off my virus list, we'll find out in a day or two :D

I should be off now, I'm really sleepy and need to sleep sleep sleep. But only after I've had some crisps. Can't sleep on an empty stomach!

Constanze :) xXx