The News at 7.57...

"One small trip to hospital, one huge leap for appointmentkind" said the famous cancerographer Constanze Dennis upon landing on Planet Return of Snowdon. Yes, Snowdon is back from his holiday travel times, and hence things in my little cancery universe are moving swiftly as he returns to his post as head of no shit and get on with things. I am absolutely inundated with things to tell you, it's time to inpersonate my favorite ever newsreader.

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be... George Alagiah!

Welcome to the North East Derbyshire News at Six.

Constanze's impending medical plan has been put on hold short term due to problems in the blood lab. Today's meeting between Constanze and Doctor Snowdon was thrown into difficulty as it appeared that the results of Constanze's latest chimerism, a test determining if her transplant has been successful costing the taxpayer £500 a time, were not yet back from the blood lab. The cause for this delay is unknown, although it has been accused that this is not an isolated incident. Constanze is said to be 'Hanging On The Telephone' waiting for news about her bone marrow and whether lymphocytes will be required later on in the week...

Dr Snowdon has also announced that he is very eager to see if the start of hormone therapy to combat the ongoing problems of menopause, sleepiness and weight loss. This was met with great approval by the Stanzebrain Board of Neurons, who applauded the move as one towards fat bottomed goths.

Video has been released of Helen, Blood Disorders Nurse Extrordinaire, extracting the confession of the notorious nebuliser-avoider Constanze Dennis. She confessed to not having had her nebuliser for six weeks by means of trickery.
Helen "I know you hate this treatment, but you have to have it..."
Miss Dennis (interrupting) "BUT I HATE NEBULISERS"
H "Oh, I'd forgotten you were due a nebuliser!"
MD "I'm not..." *pitiful face*
H "Dr Snowdon, can you put Constanze down for a nebuliser. As I was saying, in the next few weeks you'll be having some more breathing tests. And some bone tests and a heart scan..."

Blood extraction from the Stanzeville Arm Mine has fallen to its lowest in months, with just two tubes being removed this week. Experts say this is due to a fall in demand by haemotology doctors, in turn because of improving standards in Constanze Wellbeing.

The Hunt is on for student nurse Jaye and infamous dietician Nick Trott after a comprehensive search for them in the hospital proved fruitless. Friend and patient C.Dennis was seen running around the 0 floor day ward scaring the nurses jabbering on about "that Nick Trott, he's hiding from me, he can't go on holiday for a month, even Nick Trott can't go on holiday for THAT long!!! I CAN'T SAY HER NAME I CAN'T SAY HER NAME HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE HER NAME" and other such confusing remarks. The search will continue say Police, with the help of undercover agent Conaloden...

And now on Channel Anaemia, Luke Aemia hosts his new show exploring the link between green haired people and insanity...