Miaow-miaow-miaowing Outside Heaven's Door...

So, Podge went to be put down this afternoon. RIP my beautiful boy.

As my mother put it, I think I'm due some good luck now.

Anyway, on a slightly more jolly note, my endoscopy, or gastroendoscopy, or half choke you in the name of medicine, or whatever the proffesional types call it went well. There was the usual gagging, excessive burping and being blown up like a balloon, but really, the most I can say it was is rather uncomfortable. And very unglamorous, my slobber pretty much flooded the treatment chair. It was pretty much the same effect a sizzling steak has on me, but without the fun.

I arrived to find the nurse looking after me's genuine name was 'Happiness'... Quite appropriate for the worlds biggest optimist, I thought. It's as if they know I can make goodtimes out of having bits of my stomach removed. Well, I tried, I asked for a photo, but the doctor doing it forgot! How sad. Anyway, the nurse who came to review me had the most ridiculous and completely ununderstandable accent in the history of the universe, so trying to answer any of her questions was basically like being asked questions in Sanskrit. Add to that the fact that despite being nice she didn't actually seem to know anything about medicine, for example, she had no idea if my operations were classed as surgery, I had to spell out the names of all my drugs, she didn't know if my old hormone injections were classified as hormone therapy... But, we got there in the end. Then there was waiting...

And, after the waiting (in another example of how NHS managers have a complete inability to choose comfortable chairs), I was called through for me camera. I decided it best to remove my wig, it would just fall of anyway lying down at such an angle, much to the confusion of the nurses and the doctors- One minute I have long black hair down my back, the next I have an inch of fluffy grey mess. He he he. Disgusting tasing throat spray for me, and no sedation. I am coooool as a cucumber. The camera is about the thickness of a finger, they just push it down your throat,it pumps air to give a clearer image, so it's a bit like being an uncomfortable balloon for 8 minutes. You can feel them tugging on your insides as they take the biopsies, try pinching a friend for a similar effect. And my word, you should hear the burps I do. Well, you probably could. That wasn't thunder you heard, it was me.

Then, I am allowed to go straight away. No recovery time for me! I am such a veteran of such things that there is no need to sit and watch me for a while as the mouth anasthetic wears off. Mouth anasthetic is weird. I like to poke my mouth with the contents of my handbag to see which bits are the most numbed... Weirdo.

The usual medicar home follows. I fell asleep, gaping dreadfully, waiting for my driver to arrive. On the way I am finally allowed to eat and drink again after regaining the ability to swallow effectively. Being starved and dehydrated is not enjoyable, says Constanze. Going until lunchtime today having has no food or drink since yesterday evening makes Constanze grumpy. My mouth was like the Sahara Desert, but pink. Luckily, I had invested in Strawberry Yazzoo, and my woes were soon quashed. YES WOES, YOU HEARD ME, YOU ARE BEING QUASHED, WITH THE POWER OF COW JUICE. Ahahahahahaha. Actually, I don't know why I'm laughing, cow juice just sounds wrong. Maybe it would be comparable to that tale in the old Bible where God flooded the Earth with Yazzoo, and then Allah or Moses Or Noah or Barry Scott (I know they said it was Noah, but we all know how completely unreliable the bible is) built a ship out of firestick pepparamis. I forget what I was talking about. Oh, cows and gods and thirst. Constanze, fountain of knowledge about world religion since 1990AD. Ack, people are so weird, all this religion schmidgeon, who cares if there's a god, just be nice to people, it's not that hard for goodness sake! A life without sausage cobs does not sound like the right idea to me...

More hospital tomorow, which I managed to forget about completely. They are going to see if I still have eyes or something. Possibly put those eye drops in that make everything so blurry that it's like looking down a kalidescope of ill people.

I have also invented a new beauty product. It is yet un-named. It engrains glitter into your skin and the said glitter does not come off and spreads onto everything and everyone you touch or breathe near. Sort of like a snail's trail, so everyone knows where you have been, but without the consistency of snot. I wonder which Nobel prize I'll get for Glitter Advancement Technology.

I think that is all for now. I am off to microwave fruit salads to cure my slightly camera shredded throat.

xXXx