Why do birds suddenly disappear? And then reappear. And then flash on and off.

"See you soon Constanze. Hopefully not at your funeral."

It's been a very long time since I blogged. For this I apologise. There won't be a huge gap again, I do find rambling on here somewhat therapeutic... It's been quite a Christmas time for me. As per ususal, this post will twist and turn and not be in any sense or order. But this is Constanze, what exactly were you expecting?

These past few months have been very interesting. In terms of my health, I've had some horrendous trouble not being able to eat and being sick. I didn't get any food down me for a month, ahaha, how I wish that was an exaggeration. I woke up every day weaker and weaker, I'd been sailing through leukaemia and now I was lost in this sea of getting closer to my end. My mother said she thought she was watching me die. I got admitted to hospital on New Year's Eve. Do I have Graft Versus Host disease? What's wrong with Constanze? They never really found out. It's become apparent to me that this was the closest I've been to dying. I at least partially blame my head. This is one of the times I choose to ignore science, all this cancer is truely in your head. When your mind goes, your body follows.

There's been a lot of dying talk and thoughts about recently actually (This blog post will get chirpier. I have the Pixies on, not my fault...). It's all very odd. I like planning my death and my funeral in my head, I spend hours imagining the world without me. I have no desire to die, and I won't, but you have to admit, it would be rather funny. Trust Constanze to die young. Typical. I don't know. I don't know what I don't even know. Being very likely to die at any given moment certainly makes you appreciate the world more. I catch myself staring and staring at all the things I'd never have cared about before... I dropped a paper bag on my living room floor and it fell in the shape of a heart...

I take a lot of time now to make sure all the moments in my life I wouldn't mind being my last.

"I'll take you to the zoo. If you're still alive."

As many of you will know, I got back from my visit to Oxford today. I am absolutley bloody knackered folks. I'm fairly set on coming back in Trinity term, but it'll be very hard and I'll still be bloody ill. It's weird, when I was down there were so many things I realised I missed terribly, and then there are all these things that repulse me. I got taken to the high table to eat and it was lovely but it reminded me quite severely of everything I hate about that place. The problem is if I don't come back this Trinity I shall have to wait aaaageeeesssssssss to come back and I don't want to waste away my life waiting and waiting. I do enough of that with buses on my way to hospital. I get the feeling my life is about to take a very dramatic twist...

I've been ill a long time now. It's starting to end... I have no more proper treatment. It's all downhill from here (In terms of easiness, that is). Tuesday I get one of those cherished needles in my hip bone to suck out my bone marrow like a milkshake, definitely vanilla. Vanilla Ice Ice Baby. They're great because they make your legs shake when they hit nerves and I feel like a giant phone on vibrate.

Speaking of vibrating, they think my hickman line might've had an infection. They filled it with antibiotics, I had to go in every day for a week and it was bloody awful. And I had to give myself some more injections in my stomach. OH MY GOD HOW DID I NEARLY FORGET THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesusususususus. The camera. They shoved a camera down my throat to look into my stomach. Not pleasent. There's one person employed solely to hoover up spit, but they failed at their job and I ended up with a very wet cheek. The worst thing is, they want to put one up my bum next. Help. I don't want to lose my bum virginity to Hitachi...

So. Yeah.

I think to summarise this blog post I would say so far my recovery from cancer and my happiness levels are directly linked. I mean, I am literally the happiest person ever, my depression is probably how you'd feel if you won the lottery. But. The end of last year was when the love of my life died, and with that went a lot of spirit. You spend weeks in isolation dreaming of a future with someone that gets pissed on. That and a lot of other things that aren't really suitable for a blog post of a public nature..... Is it a coincidence that my world falls apart and my body follows?... Maybe it's just obvious. But the new year's brought some serious forgetting and with that optimism and with that I've stopped getting worse and started getting better.

Anyway, must dash, I'm off for a scrank.

xXXxXXxXXx


P.s Brie Brie Brie. Brie is an amazing cheese.