An Incredibly Impressive Accolade...

Oh yes.

I've got it.

I wasn't beaten to it.

I remain at the forefront of science.

Constanze Aloysia Dennis.

The First Woman in Sheffield to Freeze her Eggs.

Do I win?

The answer is yes.

Today has been too hot and too long, we set off for the hospital at 8 and only just got back... Hot hot hot. Not weather for goths. And some stupid wanker decided to build the fertility clinic ON TOP OF A HILL. MILES FROM THE CAR PARK. Not impressed. Mind you, I suppose it keeps the fat people out. I am such a nice person sometimes...

So, let's run through all this fertility-related news. I went to the clinic, and per usual I stuck out like a sore thumb, the whole place is full of middle aged couples desperate for one of those horrible little balls of noise they call 'babies'. I annoy everyone in the waiting room by rating all the pictures of successful IVF newborns on the wall in terms of ugliness. I then read a whole copy of OK! magazine before wanting to vomit in a nearby toilet, I cannot for one second understand why anyone would want to spend hours of their precious lives reading about Victoria Beckham's orange shaped breasts...

Then I had to see doctors and nurses and fill in forms and chat and talk and listen and all of the things like that. Egg freezing isn't the most pleasent experience, I have to do a lot of injecting myself. Like a week in the life of a diabetic. Possibly not a new tv show for ITV. I get a device much like a pen, with springs and needles which I have to shove in my stomach. Apparently I'm not fat enough for this. Most women who do this are in their 30s and have already been affected by our good old friend 'middle aged spread' and have themselves nice little pot bellies. But, as I am beautiful and slim and toned, I have to squeeze and prod my fat so the injection goes in the right fat layer and not my kidney or something. I also have to try and not inject myself with air. It won't kill me or anything, but being a human balloon is apparently not preferable/unhealthy/unpopular, although I don't personally see it... I can think of a lot of career options that would be opened by that...

The main downside to this treatment is the rather annoying sex ban. No sex till it's all over. This is quite cruel, as I do tend to find my boyfriend very sexually attractive. Ooo, my mum just brought me some melon. WIN. But, back to the point, me becoming pregnant during this process would be VERY BAD. There will be ten ripe eggs hanging around my womb, so not only would I get pregnant very easily I'd also be expecting something stupid like 8 children... Not so cool. As much as I love my James, 8 children at 18 is a lot, even by Derbyshire's standards.

So, the basic process is wait until my period comes. It is due on the 5th, for those of you who are a litlle more obsessed with my treatment than you should be. I then phone the clinic. On the second day I go in. They give me loads of drugs, and put big probes up my vagina and give me lots of scans. They said I can have a picture of my uterus to stick on my wall. I make amazing requests. Then I go home and inject myself lots. Then a few days later, more scans to see how my eggs are ripening. They need the follicles to be 17mm before they can harvest them... When they are ready it is time for the large needle on a fallic object to be shoved up my naughty sex hole so they can hoover up my eggs. Luckily, I'll only be semi knocked out, so I can watch all this on a big screen... Yay! Science! My bit over.

Then, they go and store them. Now, this is where the term 'egg freezing' has been lying to you. It's true that they make them rather cold. BUT. They actually vitrify it, make it into a strange substance, like wood and stuff. Then they keep them for me for 10 years, until I choose to do something with them. Well, something sensible. I can't just walk in and take them and sprinkle them on a salad...

I know what you're thinking. Constanze hates kids. Constanze wants to adopt children. Both of these points are very very true. If I'm honest, it's only 10% likely I'll have my own kid with these eggs (That's if I can, it's such a new technology, the chemo might mean they have to be destroyed, plus there's only a one in two chance that it'll work anyway, they usually need 20-30 eggs, but there's no time...). But wait... I hear you all think... What of the other 90% of possibility? Well, today I made some enquiries and special requests. Turns out I can always donate my eggs to another couple, which is a good way to preserve my BLOODY AMAZING GENES going without actually having to sacifice £100,000 (A lot of shoes) and 18 years of life. I sound more and more like Sheldon every day. The thing is though, they might give my eggs to a distinctly average couple, who would then have a fucking amazing Constanze child, and wouldn't know what to do with it, rather like my mum. Thinking seriously though, that's a very nice thing to do. A lot of people get very distressed about not having that giving birth bond with children. Saying that, I was desperate to ask all the women in the IVF clinic why they weren't adopting...

I can also donate my eggs to medical science. I made that my request upon death, go and play with my eggs, oh scientists! Discover that gene that makes me quite so incredible! The Constanze Gene. Constanze Chromosome.

I am also hoping to become slightly famous because of my new accolade. Surely it's worth putting in the local newspaper? Plus, my face is pretty. I'm not all middle aged like the person you'd expect to be in my position... And people might write about me in all the SCIENCE journals. Ah, cancer=science=great! I hope you will all be name dropping me in conversation... "Oh, I was chatting with Constanze, the first woman in Sheffield to freeze her eggs, the other day" Etc... Not only all this, but the Royal Hallamshire has a HUGE catchment area. I'm probably the first woman in the North to have it done. In fact, I'm off to google! Google useless. Egg freezing too uncommon. Damnit...

I also had some blood tests today. I do not have HIV or Hepatitis, which is always a good thing. All my platelet/hb etc levels are stable. I rule! Proper good at having cancer. OOH, I forgot to say about my 'goody bag'. The woman got me all excited, she said I'll just go and get your goody bag, and I felt 5 again. It turned out to just be a freezer bag full of needles. Which is still quite good, but not on a par with sweets and pointless bits of plastic... *sigh*

And that, I believe, is all.

P.s HELEN IS A GAYGENIUS. I hope yous alls dids wells in your exammies!