Nuke the Nurses! Or not.

Yes, the title's harsh, but I am feeling very tired and very grumpy... It all started earlier when ny friend were here and I was tired.It really does not inbue me with joy to be so tired I can't make the most of my last few bloody days of freedom... Anyway, that's just a mild annoyance. I got a kiss on the lips from Jane, a kiss on the eyebrow from Hannah and I finally got to tll Richard about his most irritating habit, so that day was far from all bad...

But the evening. That's when it all really changed. There's a nurse who really annoys me. She drives me MENTAL. And she's been pestering me all constantely for the past few hours... I want to remove her head and bowl it down the corridor. I don't know if it's her, or my general being at a wit's end with this whole being looked after thing...

I am seriously ill. But I have no intention of sitting in bed looking like I'm about to die. Unless I am. Which I am not.

Just innocently in the day room, listening to some music and playing with the plastecene Hanhan bought me. I was making myself a new set of blood cells. But in bead form, so I can wear them and my blood counts go up! She comes in to give me my drugs and starts noseying, then informs me that "They won't work". Of course they won't pissing work. Do I look like a retard? Then she saw my pack of sewing needles and had a spaz about that, all this is I have them during chemo they might prick me and make me bleed and die. I repeat, do I look like a retard? I will have blood cell coutns in single figure when it's healthy to have ove 300. That is not a time when I shall be playing with my needles, thankyou. She finally left, 15 minutes later, having pissed on a lot of my bonfires.

Then I got my office chair out to do some spinning. I like a bit of spinning in the evening, woo! She came back. "You'll make yourself dizzy". JESUSFUCKWNKPISSJIODJDJWOIWFUCKFUCKFUCK. I'm a grown woman. Go and do your bloody job of caring for people instead of patronising them.

She did however, tell me one nugget of important information. "Doctors don't tell you everything they know at once. They tend to tell you in little bits, over a few days, so you can take it all in". That's exactly it. They haven't realised that I'm not a normal patient. I have completely different ways of behaving, coping, whatever. They can't understand my constant good moods, my chirpyness. They haven't realised my ability to cope with big pieces of news and remeber vast amounts of information. They don't see my genuine excitement at every medical procedure. 98% of the people they've ever treated get cancer, are a bit sad, have some treatment, no one bats and eyelid and they go home. There's a lot more for me to get out of this than that. I just wish they'd stop mollycoddling me so much. I have an amazing and intelligent mind. They can't even bloody pronounce my name, yet they put themselves as a force that controls so much of me.

That's the root of it. I'm a very independant young lady. Here they do everything for you, even down to opening your packets of medicine. I hate being looked after, I want to clean my own room, make my own food. Nurses should have better things to do than make my bed. Most of them are really friendly and really nice, the one tonight's lovely but was just near the wrong goth at the wrong time. but you feel like they're living for you. And trying to make you live out the cancer stereotype sometimes. When I say it's hit me, it's hit me. When I say I'm fine going out on my own, I am. Just because I'm 18 instead of all these 87 years olds I'm no less mature and able to have my own thoughts. No, it's not a brave face. Just bcause I still see the joy in the colouring in book doesn't mean you have to dismiss my thoughts. I know myself better than all of them put together and timsed by ten. My viewpoint just isn't understood.

Blerg. This all sounds very mean towards what really are wonderful nurses. It's just a few of them. But seriously, they're all lovely, I just dkon't think this ward's seen a teenager before. Or, indeed, someone as unique as Constanze.