Infertile or just one big condom?

Well. This morning I've had a to make a terrifyingly important decision. There seem to be quite a few of those hanging around.

Chemotherapy will probably make me infertile. Should I, or should I not, have my eggs frozen? I had to make a decision by lunch today, as they start the treatment on the second day of your period. Mine came this morning. My body is so good to me...

I remember when they first told me about the infertility issues. It didn't bring out a single emotion. It was just there with hair loss and sleepiness. A symptom as impersonal to me as a bit of sickness.My maternal instinct resides at zero, I think my hatred of children is famous in all four corners of the globe. But suddenly I had to think of those vile balls of snot as my future. This proved interesting...

It didn't take long for me to realise where I stood. I've always thought I've wanted to adopt children, I don't crave this stupid blood tie that all these IVF couples obsess over. Being infertile will never be an issue which creates distress inside of me, it's not my sight, it's not my hearing. I can say with the utmost confidence that even in ten years I will not be yearning for a child with my own glorious gene pool. I know that years pass and you become more and more diffrent and unrecogniseable in the physicsal and the mental, as countless distressed women have told me, all these cries of "you'll regret it", but this is about me. And I doubt there's anyone who can predict the future of Constanze Aloysia Dennis and her emotions than Constanze Aloysia Dennis. And I know not having a child of my own blood won't make me shed a tear now or at an moment in my epic and lengthy life...

Not only that, but looking at it from a scientific point of view... The data is unconvincing. I did some sums witht the information they gave me an there's only a one in two chance there would be enough eggs to make me pregnant anyway. It would also push my chemo treatment back by a fortnight. Even if that only lowers my chances of survival by 2%, that's still a lot to me... I would strongly prefer to be alive and childless than dead and uber fertile. It's such a new treatment that I'd be the first woman in Sheffield to have her eggs frozen. I'll pass on that accolade for some other lucky lady... The technique is basically to do bit of osmosis and chuck the eggs in liquid nitrogen... Plus, by the time I get that old then technology might've advanced so much that this isn't even a problem! Or I might not even become infertile!

I think you're getting the jist of where this is going. They weren't too impressed by my idea of freezing an embryo (that's much easier) with every potential father I can think of, so I thanked them for their offer and declined. Shame, I was quite looking forward to helping James Iha give his sperm sample.

And now I can go back to thinking about issues slightly more relevant to my age range... Like where to get an ice cream van from cheaply...

P.s Today is my first day without visitors... Sad face. Although I have three tomorow... Happy face.

P.p.s Doctors are letting me out during the day until Sunday. I have plans. Many plans. Epic plans. Plans that are so good they'd eat you. And then rape you. And then take you for a cup of tea.