Stranger Danger

(I should clarify that this post won't make much sense unless you read my last post. Soz.)

Ahoy my cancer crew,

I seem to have been away forever. And ever and ever. Lost in the void of life, stamps and food and trains and putting the incorrect things in the washing machine. A whole month. I think that's the longest gap since I started this here blog, what a disastery disatero. I have no excuses, just a busy busy bee. A busy sleepy confused sugar overdosing not yellow because that's one of the worse colours bumble bee. I am so tired. And it's a Sunday evening. I have a week to survive. OH LORD. OH BOTTOM LARYNX PHARYNX CANOODLE CAKE. It's time to get the whole salmon out.

But yes, the issue. The omnipresent 'do I stop taking dasatinib or do I continue like a ball of mysteries' issue. When I wrote my last post it was all I could think about. It rolled around and around and around in my head like a ball of marbles and pervaded my thoughts when I really should have been concentrating on crossing the road and having a wee and stuff. Then over the past couple of weeks I've just kind of forgotten about it. I did all the thinking I could think. But now I'm writing this I'm sure it'll bury its way into my head again like a woodpecker on tramadol. I also asked a variety of people for their opinion but it's such a dodgy subject that most people don't want to stick their neck out in case I choose that option and die. Which is fine. Although there is that point that if I choose the opposite route to the one that's your opinion, then I die, you'll spend the rest of your life thinking "OH HOW I WISH I'D TOLD CONSTANZE TO XXX" so basically you all can't win, ahahahahaha. The only winner is me because I am amazing at making milkshakes.

Aiiii, I do ramble. All this pondering and questioning has however brought up some more points that I hadn't considered before as well as some interesting 'scientific' statistics.

1. Cancer patients say yes, normal people say no

This was the most prominent thing I noticed when asking people what they'd do. Pretty much all the people I know who have had cancer have been in favour of ditching the chemo and going into the 'hopefully I'll be cured' mysterious void. Pretty much all the normal people have said to play it safe. I think this is mainly due to ex-cancer people understanding the levels or tiredness involved in cancer. Normal people ask how I feel on the drugs and I reply 'very tired' and they compare that to their experience of 'very tired' which is nothing like cancery 'very tired'. My tiredness is debilitating, not the sort of tired you get when you stayed up too late watching Game of Thrones (which I must clarify is not me having a bitch, it's just impossible to imagine something you haven't experienced). And also the death thing. The cancer people have watched other people from their ward die like flies. That's what happens when you have cancer. There is only one goal for people who have cancer; to not have cancer.

2. I made the 'safe' option sound too safe

I should have made a much bigger point of the fact that the staying on dasatinib option isn't super safe and isn't the option that'll make me live forever. When I was first diagnosed they told me these drugs would work for a couple of years if I was lucky, so I'm on borrowed time as it is. Another point is that currently I have a bone marrow extraction every six months (bone marrows are the only real way to monitor my super awkward cancer) so if these drugs stopped working my cancer could be re-growing for months before they noticed. If I come off them I would be monitored far more closely so if anything did start growing they could nip it in the bud more quickly.

3. People are selfish out of love

You are all wonderful. My friends and followers and homeboiz and homies are the most amazing group of humans that ever roamed the planet. But the key problem is that all you want is for me to not die. As my friends, your primary concern is for me to not be dead. My primary concern is quality of life, and if I'm dead, it's hardly as if it'll bother me. I've had a very nice innings and if I died tomorrow I would be more than chuffed. But no one else would. Everyone would be sad because they could no longer watch me humorously fall over things and try to fit entire packets of sweets up my nose. My point here being is that human nature says that you will want me to err on the side of caution because that means I'm less likely to die, simple as.

I think from all this you can probably work out which direction I'm veering in. And probably always have been veering in. Whether I like it or not I am currently about 90% in favour of stopping the drugs. It's almost something I have to do, it's my nature, I can't help myself. I don't ever want to not do something out of fear, and this is the ultimate incarnation of this. The only argument against stopping them is the fear of the unknown. But this whole illness is the unknown. I've spent five years doing the unknown. There's almost no such thing as the unknown to me because the only thing I have known is the unknown. When you're diagnosed someone tells you there's a 50% chance of you surviving this or whatever but that's still just some man in an office guessing. Staying on the drugs is an unknown, coming off the drugs is an unknown, and to be quite honest I'd rather walk down the unknown path that might lead to being cured than go around in circles forever.

I know deep down a few people will think I'm being stupid here. And to be honest, I don't much care. For five long years I've sat patiently in the hospital and done every single thing asked of me. For five long years I've been happy to go along with whatever keeps me healthiest and keeps me alive. But now the nature of my life has changed. I have a career, a flat, hopes and dreams and a ten portion George Foreman grill. I no longer see myself as the cancer patient. And I don't want to feel like one any more. I'm just bored. I've learnt all I can learn. I've had every side effect and seen every hospital bed. I need an end, a finale, and if I have to risk my life to get it then so be it. The curtains must close on every show and this one's been running an aeon.

My only wish in the world is that I'd asked Naomi about this before she died. I wish I'd thanked her too. Because when she passed so did all of my fear of death, the knowledge that she would be there waiting. She was the catalyst to me realising that you can't live life being cautious. I refuse to accept that my destiny is to be a cancer patient forever. And it won't be.

I should really go to sleep. But before I do I would really like to thank everyone I know for their thoughts, opinions, wise words, unwise words, support, love, anger, hatred, vengeance and hugs through this confusing time. Never have I been so confused in my life. I am unconfusing by the day though. Like when you spin a penny and eventually it lands down flat on one side. Eventually. I'm at about ten degrees now. Come on gravity.

Night night night,
Constanzistan :) xXx

P.s Currently battling a cold. I am the mucus queen. Feel my bright green wrath, Goblin throat.