It's hard to rhyme-a word like vagin-a

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...Oh. My. God. There was news today and I still haven't quite worked out how I feel about it so bear with me while I write a sea of confused ramble and make no sense whatsoever. I'm not even sure how to present new found findings because my brain is a bit like a slurry pit. Well, an even slurrier slurry pit than usual. Come on, get to the point Constanze, get to the point. The people want to know what doth wander around your brain. GO GO GO.

Today I went to hospital to see the specialist doctor about my surprise mystery extreme period. As we now know it's definitely not my leukaemia relapsing (woo!) but there are so so many other things that it could be. I sat down and told her the story (once upon a time I was in Serbia and blood started coming out of my fanny an an obscene rate and I was like wtf I don't have periods I feel concerned so the world whisked me off to a&e to see the fittest doctor ever and now I am here please solve my vagina) and she listened and we had discussions. Her diagnosis is that I have gone through the ANTIMENOPAUSE. As we all know I went through the menopause straight after my bone marrow transplant and I have had happy wonderful period free super infertile lady parts for the best part of four years. But oh no. Not any more. I am in the tiny minority of women (we're talking less than 5%) of women whose ovaries 'wake up'... Snorlax. Mofo Snorlax. So I've gone through the menopause but now I appear to be going back again. But what does that actually mean?

It means I'm probably not infertile for a start. I mean, we'll know more over the next couple of months as we see if I start having any proper periods and whatnot. Which is very odd. For the past four years I've had everyone and their mothers telling me CONSTANZE YOU ARE SO INFERTILE IT'S UNREAL NO CHILD SHALL EVER BE BORN OF YOU EVEN WITH THOSE EGGS YOU STORED BECAUSE YOUR WOMB IS PROBABLY VERY SCARED INFERTILE INFERTILE INFERTILE YOUR OVARIES ARE DEAD. And now I'm not. I'm motherfucking fertile. Like, babies can fall out of my vagina. I guess we had our suspicions when my ovaries made a massive amount of eggs when they were being harvested but they've now survived one of the biggest doses of radiation a human being can take. I guess I almost feel guilty because I wasn't at all fussed about being infertile whereas to some girls it's devastating yet I'm one of the tiny "lucky" minority that get to go backwards through the menopause and regain normal ovarian function.

It's just weird. I was resigned to this whole infertile thing. Not resigned, that's the wrong word, but it's just kind of what I was. I feel a bit overwhelmed but with a mysterious emotion, I'm kind of not happy or sad about this news but my brain sort of feels like it's such a big event that I have to feel something so it's just a huge wave of neutrality. Waaa.

But anyway, the course of action. In January I am having a reproductive system overdrive party. I'm having a full scan and examination to check I have no tumours/other cancers in the general womb area (heavy random bleeding can be a sign of ovarian cancer) then I'm having a special thing put in my womb. Basically I had a few options as to what I wanted to do. The first one (and the most simple) was to just switch my menopause medication for the pill... But then I would have to have my periods back. NO THANKS. I HATE PERIODS. NO PERIODS IS THE BEST THING ABOUT HAVING CANCER. So, the second option is to have a special coil fitted (pretty much the normal contraceptive coil but sort of not) and continue with the menopause hormones because those hormones combined with the ones in the coil will be enough to protect me against most of the risk of osteoporosis. And unwanted babies growing. Don't want any of those. Still not got those maternal feelings yet. Ergh.

So they will be fitting me with a sexy coil. I had the choice of having it while I was awake or under general anaesthetic. Obviously I chose to be awake because I want to nosy all that I can and try and take photos (I'll try and get one that's not too rude to put on here, as much as I love you all I'm not sure I want to make any weird medical porn) although it's apparently excruciatingly painful (especially for someone like me as I've never had a baby nor do I have an overused saggy vagina) because they have to stretch the hell out of your cervix. YAY. So most people are asleep when it happens. BUT NOT CONSTANZE BECAUSE SHE'S A PSYCHO AND WANTS TO SEE HER CERVIX.

In the short term I have to have some special vaginal swabs done at the doctors, mainly to check that I haven't got chlamydia. I mean, I haven't got chlamydia (unless it's now transmitted by dry humping walls) but I apparently need a piece of paper that says I haven't got chlamydia. I just haven't got chlamydia. They always check to see if I haven't got chlamydia and I always tell them it's physically impossible that I have chlamydia (BECAUSE I AM NOT A SLAG IF MR PERCY HASN'T GOT HIS PINK PULLOVER HE AINT COMING IN) and they never believe me and then I never have chlamydia but they still want to check if I have chlamydia even though I don't have chlamydia. Stupid laws and stuff.

But as for right now, my fanny is happy. I just don't want to be a normal girl. I will do anything in the universe to not get my periods back! I want to have sex all month! Plus tampons are expensive, that's perfectly good cheese money gone to waste!!! Argh, I don't even believe in god but if I get my periods back I am setting fire to the clouds. And the Jessop Wing. And everything. Burn baby burn, fertility inferno.

My new doctor also thinks I'm very funny. I'm not sure you're supposed to be funny in a serious appointment about your fertility and having children but oops oh well. Tardstanze.

Oh lord, I'm so sick of talking about my lady parts, this is supposed to be a classy cancer blog. Oh, my kingdom for a medical problem that isn't in a shameful place. Shingles in my crotch, menopauses, antimenopauses, needles in my ovaries. Can I just break my arm or something? No one gets weirded out by broken arms. Everyone is weirded out by ovary talk.

But yeah. I should be off now. I have an eyeball cake and this makes me very happy indeed. I like eyeballs.

I'm just glad it's not the leukaemia coming back. I can't wait until I make it to the 5 year boundary. The longer you're out of treatment the lower your chance of relapse. Boo yah. Me no wants any more sexy cancers. One is enough. It came, it was alright and then it tried to leave but got a shoelace caught in the door. That's sufficient.

Constanze :) xXxXx

P.s I had lots of backache this week. Is my bone marrow doing something?