In case of emergency, please use the ULTRA PANIC

Afternoon all :)

Apologies for the ten whole days with no updates or anything, I've been lost in a sea of celebration and pavlovas and onions and flaming nails. MY VIRUSES HAVE GONE. LEFT THE BUILDING. FINALLY. They have floated away into the midnight sky and I can breathe once more. I had to go and get extra antibiotics, on top of the extra antibiotics and the extra antibiotics, but now my body has finally decided that life is a whole lot easier when it's not full of phlegm. I just sneezed five times though so maybe it's all a lie and the viruses are just hiding and planning a new attack when I least expect it... But nawww, I am feeling pretty damn fine (apart from this weird bone marrow ache I keep getting on my back, for god's sake can my body stop fighting with itself) and I can feel myself feeling better and woohoo. I think I'll always be this way, and compared to how ill I have been this way is damn bloody good and I am a Happystanze. A happy, runny nosed, faulty legged, ultra sleepy Stanze. What a beautiful creature.

But there is still general panic. Not panic. Confusion. Wonder. This. That. Oh. My. God. I. Am. Almost. Better. Here. Comes. The. Real. World. Let's. All. Hide. I can't even remember what normal life is like. People go out and don't have to plan benches? People go out and don't have to call at the hospital for some drugs? People go out and don't have to take a sharps bin? And I now have to return to it?!? But which bit of it? Oh lorddd, what on earth am I going to dooooo, I need to find a cave to hide in, why do I always try to hideeee, I'm not scared, just horrendously indecisive. People keep constantly asking me what I'm going to do with my vida now I barely have any cancer and I don't have the foggiest. Not even an inkling. I'm going to the cinema on Saturday and other than that and a hospital appointment I have no other plans for the rest of my entire life. I'm not really feeling going back to Oxford to do the physics malarkey, there's just this feeling that that's what I was doing four years ago and it's all back to square one. Like it's all one big massive circle and I've just been wandering in a forest for three years. Don't get me wrong, I still love the physics just as much, I just don't know. All my friends have degrees and are getting top jobs and PhD offers and this and that and the only qualifications I have are my A levels which I sat when I was 17 and my five meter swimming badge. And a year of uni. Minus the exams. Problem is, if I don't go back to uni, I'm a very very bright person with the qualifications of a spoon which isn't all that useful in the real world. Employers will probably take one look at my droppyoutness and put my cv in the shredder. Silly real world. I can make myself sound good though? I am pretty damn good. It's just finding where the hell to apply all my amazing skills and awesomeness. I've nearly finished my cv, maybe I'll email it to some people. I don't know. I don't think I could keep up with a job. I'd just fall asleep at half ten. The same goes for uni. I need to do some testing. Maybe I'll try and be a doctor, but I'm so tired. I mean, I do lots and lots and I run around and do stuff because doing stuff is fun and I like doing stuff but I can't keep it up seven days a week. ARGH. Cancer.

I don't know, my cv is very impressive sort of, there's just a lot of "oh, cancer kind of got in the way of everything but I can assure you I'm very clever and capable" and "I know this job is for graduates but it doesn't matter, I did a whole year at Oxford then graduated in having cancer". My brain runs away with me as to what I'm capable of maybe. I just don't have a clue! I know I have the cleverness and the confidence and the charisma to do pretty much anything I want, I just fall asleep every five minutes. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? Arrrggghhhhh. And I really don't want to play the cancer card at people, but it's like three or four years of my life. It's all I've done for a long long time. Loads of really successful people dropped out of uni, I'm sure. Maybe the internet knows. And it's not as if I can never go to uni if I drop out now. I just want to get out of bed in the morning and do something. Then fall asleep. I can always make my own business. I used to run my little stamp company. TOO MANY OPTIONS.

I think I need to stop thinking for a bit. Sorry for the quite boring and disjointed post. My brain no longer has joints. Just mush and tumbleweed. Food now. Nothing bad can happen as long as I'm eating :D

Constanze :) xXx

P.s I have a tiny sore throat. Oh dear...