NEED SLEEP MUCHO PLZ

Allo allo to you all, I am not doing anything of use so I thought I would make myself into a good person and waffle shit on here. Sorry. My back hurts and I hope it's making bone marrowz. Good marrowz. I'm really tired and my left eye has one of my "oversized upset giant eye blisters" that I don't dare burst because it's bigger than my head and I'm scard that all my brains will come out if I do... Must. Distract. From. Giant. Eye. What. Did. I. Do. This. Weekend. Come. On. Brain.

To celebrate my successful bone marrow extraction (yeah, any excuse for a party) I buggered off to London for the weekend and learnt lots about this and that and a little bit of Lisa by my side. I discovered that my legs are getting better at moving me places but they still like to get their revenge every so often. I was quite alright by my standards at the 80s science fiction disco until the walk back took around 500 of your Earth years. Then the journey back to Derbyshire was an interesting one, my legs were completely destroyed by this point, doing little baby steps like a sloth in ballet pumps. Got off the train in Derby at platform six, look at board, my next train is on platform one. Manage to get to platform one, walk all the way to the end to get last available bench, congratulate self on amazing forward planning as I watch other people running for trains like headlesss chickens, feel happy that from this point there are no more than 50 steps between me and my bed and just generally jizz my pants. SUDDENLY BUBBLE IS BURST. TWO MINUTES UNTIL TRAIN IS DUE. MAN SHOUTS DOWN PLATFORM THAT MATLOCK TRAIN IS NOW LEAVING FROM PLATFORM FOUR WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING THIS WITH TWO FUCKING MINUTES LEFT. PANIC. I CANNOT GET DOWN THE PLATFORM IN TWO MINUTES, LET ALONE TO ANOTHER PLATFORM. So, I aim for the nearest member of staff who I beg to not let the train go without me but they don't care and say I'll be fine and basically tell me to go away I'm not disabled bugger off. Want to beat them up, but as usual I was my own model of self restraint and decorum and wanting to get on train. I got to the said train just as the man was shutting the door and blowing the whistle. The look of rage in my eyes was apparent and I half threw my suitcase on the train so it wouldn't go, skills, but also, OW MY ARMS. I WON. TRAIN IS MINE. Still, if I had a penny for every time train companies thought it would be hilarious to test the disabled with hilarious tricks then I would be a rich woman. Rich enough to buy the fuckers out and make all the bosses have their feet set in concrete and forced to run for trains, for ever and ever while being raped by pinapples. Fell over three times after that, I only hurt myself once though, I now have a delicous cut on my foot where I disagreed with my doorstep. WAR WOUND. WINNERSTANZE. HOME AND SAFE IN THE BEAUTIFUL NORTH WHERE NOTHING CAN HURT ME.

I feel a tad poorly now so I might go for a cup of tea and a sit down. Well, I'm already sitting down, I actually mean I feel a tad poorly so I'm going to have a fucking gigantic mug of tea and a slob in my armchair and watch sit tv and eat fuckloads of sour sweets and then feel loads fucking worse as my stomach wall is slowly and painfully eroded away by all the ACID and then drink fuckloads of build up milkshakes because my highly scientific brain thinks that FUCKING MILK STOPS FUCKING ACID AND PISSES ON EVERYTHING and then sit fot a bit longer and pick at the new scab on my foot before getting blood on something important like PAPERWORK or SOCKS and panic and eat the evidence although I won't because eating blood is a bad idea but that all sounds disgusting so I won't say any of it. Quizas.

Evening evening night!

Constanze :) xXx

P.s I'm back now and I forgot to press publish because I am stupid. For your information, my prediction proved very correct and I am now so full of cheese that I can't move. I watched lots of crap including holiday paramedics, a tv program set in a clinic in Kavos in Greece. Kavos is one of those sleepy little villages that fills up with thousands of drunk British tourists every summer. I really wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. To quote one "I fractured a hip but I was having a good time". Now, I love illnesses and I love a good time but YOU FRACTURED A HIP NOW IS THE TIME TO STOP DRINKING. I broke a bone coughing and then I realised NOW IS THE TIME TO STOP GETTING MASSIVE INFECTIONS. Actually, I failed at that so I'm a massive hypocrite as I dribble snot all over my keyboard. This post has been a little vulgar, I do apologise. But basically, I know cancer is really cool and really exclusive, but getting so drunk that you break a hip is NOT a good way to get into the SUPER COOL ILLNESS AND INJURY CLUB. Seriously, we can't all be ill people or nothing would get done. So there.

P.p.s Photo of me is with the biggest fan of this blog, the SUPER FAMOUS HELEN, star of the up and coming feature film I'm making, A SHIT VIDEO ABOUT CANCER NUMBER TWO THAT'S ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD AND DEFINITELY NOT SET IN A TOILET HOW EXCITING.