An old hag.

Hello hello, a warm and jolly welcome from your local friendly Constanze on a day where I very nearly wheeled a fellow patient out of a window. The only thing stopping me was the fact that you can't open any windows in the Hallamshire. It's like a massive greenhouse (then someone steals your fan YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), a massive goldfish bowl. Anyway, more on my personal hospital rage later. This is slowly turning into Constanze's Sexy Oops-I-Went-On-A-Murder-Rampage Blog...

Today it appeared that everyone and their mothers had decided to hang out in the Hallamshire. Add this to the fact it was hotter than my forehead with a metapneumovirus, this lead to tension and anger in nearly every department. Not to mention the confusion and madness and whatnot. I spent 15 minutes behind a woman in the cardiology queue who thought it was September and kept trying to convince the poor girl behind the desk it was actually the 5th of next month and clearly all the clocks in the world were wrong. I was only there because I'd been booked another one of those surprise appointments I don't need and was trying desperately to cancel it but then a woman came and ushered me into a side room and told me to take my top off. This being a common occurrence in hospital (all the patients basically walk around naked at all times) I began to oblige before realising she'd mistaken me for a faulty heart type. NO I said. NO. I am not one of yours. Begone, I am of the funny blood clan. My heart has already been admired by your sort and I just ended up damp and sticky (see last month's post).

Things started to improve when I obtained soup and a toastie (not after telling four people what I wanted and ending up with a Cappucino... A drink I hate so much I can't even spell it) but then sharply fell again as I sat next to THE RUDEST WOMAN IN HISTORY. Words can not begin to describe how foul the old hag was. Moaning, and just being so rude I was actually having to sit on my hands so I didn't thump her. I'm tellng you, if the windows weren't bolted shut she's have taken flying lessons. I mean, I'm a jolly jolly person but after ten minutes next to her I was contemplating putting my head in the water boiler. She was being so rude about the nurses and going on and on and on about how she'd been there for three hours and GUESS WHAT SOME PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR 9 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK. I rejoiced with joy as they wheeled her away. Unfortunately they wheeled her back about half an hour later (Seriously... Did they have to?). I went into my little origami zone and tried to ignore her. It just worked. Just. It's rare that someone can get on my nerves that much, but when my beautiful NHS and my beautiful hospital are insulted like that... I get all Angrystanze. We are extremely lucky to have such amazing healthcare. If she doesn't like it she should go and spend a week in Somalia and see if she prefers that.

Had the usual blood stealing malarkey and got to discuss some interesting poos I did last week with the whole of day ward listening. Not much to report really. Went upstairs for my nebuliser and bumped into a couple of my homie nurses, found out Andy's on holiday in Spain, told them to pass on the message that I hate him because I'm oh so kind like that. Neb has all its usual effects and I spent the whole journey home trying to not vomit all over a 100 year old man. Classy beyond belief. One of the nurses kindly agreed to pass on my facebook details to the strange looking bearded person (I hope he doesn't read this and get offended... Everyone with a beard looks weird, just to clarify. I mean, come on, look at Richard) who possibly has leukaemia and looks about my age (Yes, I do stalk anyone I see in the Hallamshire who looks anything from 18-25, I need some new cancer friends, it's that or eye up pensioners). I made it very clear that he can only add me if he has leukaemia. Lymphoma or rheumatology, not interested. I don't want to befriend anyone with inferior illnesses :D There was also rumours that there is another girl with leukaemia now. I am investigating as we speak. Jesus christ, I really am an a grade stalker. This is what 2 years on your own in a hospital does to you...

Didn't get to see Yusef so there was no speak of my dark cancery secrets. I have two weeks off as well so you'll have to wait some more. That's if I ever tell. I suspect some things are just too much detail...

Yes. It was all fun (nearly), but madness fun. Exhausting fun. I feel like someone's been torturing me. They probably have but I haven't noticed because my heads always in the clouds. Clouds of pentamadine.

So the summary? Never go to hospital on a hot day. It deep fries the brain.

Constanze.

xXx