One Tramadol Too Many...

Six minutes to eleven is not a time I am usually awake. I am not usually this pensive either, a funny kind of mood. A wave of sarcasm and self-sadism is currently hanging around in my brain, this is the neaest I think I come to grumpiness and it's pretty pathetic really.

The past few weeks have been a real kind of strange hazy film reel of slow motion other wordly realisation. I think it's since the two-years-of-cancer anniversary, I think it's only just dawned on me that I'm not dead and I'm not actually going to die which is pretty cool but at the same time what does Constanze do if she doesn't have cancer. Just as I've come to accept no one knowing me for being a physicist and instead being the cancer patient, I then have to give that tag up. Luke Aemia has been my neighbour for so long it's hard to imagine not living next door to him...

Then again I suppose thoughts like these, to after my illness, could be a little premature. I'm still nowhere near cured or anything. I might never be. Such a silly inexact science this cancer malarkey. I am really quite hilarious, I proper haven't died even once. 10/10 for me. The real test will be when they take me off the dasatinib and we can see if my mental chromosome has finally buggered off. I should get a bouncer. "Excuse me, Mr Aemia, I think you've had enough, you'd better be leaving now, here's your coat". Here's your boat.

Ah, and what cancer does to your friends and the world and relationships and people and whales and sheep and doctors and nurses and the Alamo. Ah, who starts sentences with ah??? I'm not some bloody philosopher. What was it Nietzsche said about sleep? It's no mean art, for it's sake you must stay awake all day. People are just so weird about cancer, so uncomfortable. No one believes I can actually be how I am with my illness. You can see it in people's eyes, you smile and laugh and they patronise you with their smiles and deep down they're just thinking it's all a brave face. Sometimes I want to slap people, the world paints you with this big depression brush. You're probably thinking it now, Constanze can't be as jolly as she claims, she has cancer, the silly cow, ill people just sit around taking tablets and moaning and fuck off fuck off. Sorry for that little rant there, I suppose the only bit of my illness I don't like is how the rest of the world doesn't like it. I've learned more from this illness than I did any of my time at Oxford University. Cancer really is a world class education.

The other thing that's been playing on my mind is how this bothersome (yet oh so engaging) illness has helped to destroy a lot of my relationships, both romantic and friendshipy (how I wish there was a more poetic word for that). To quote a cliché, one really does find out who one's friends are. Still, at least I know now, they really are who I predicted, but it's very surprising how people act. When you're first diagnosed with an illness people half choke you trying to give you their help and sympathies, but when you're two years into it they seem to forget and fade away. To be honest, for me this was quite a good thing, it's so insincere, a lot of it. It's entirely for the benefit of the other person a lot of the time. You didn't care about me before I was ill, so why now? They're the same people who have fallen into oblivion now. Saying that, the wonderfulness and kindness of some people has really shown though... It's a strange world.

It's also eroded a lot of my relationships with men. I've worked my way through three boyfriends during this illness, and yet in none of them have I been able to be a remotely good girlfriend. Nah. I suppose that's a little unfair on me, I mean, I be as good of a girlfriend as one can be, but there's nothing less sexy than being half naked in bed with someone and rolling over to blow your nose because you have a massive virus on the go. It's a good job I'm quite happy on my own or I think I'd have gone mad. I don't know, I guess with the last man in my life there was a difference, whereas before it was my illness ruining my relationships, this time it was just my apparently shoddy personality. There was one person I never thought I'd love anyone more than, and I was just starting to doubt that... It's also really not a good chat up line (not that I ever chat men up, if I see someone attractive I have a tendancy to run away and hide, usually being something inappropriate like a pot plant then they see me and think what the fuck's that weirdo doing), the whole "Hi, my name's Constanze and I've got sexy cancer" routine really doesn't work as well as it should. Why can't Jimmy Carr/Gary Numan just walk through the door now and marry me so my life can be proper sorted?

I feel quite a lot jollier now, waffling shit really does clear one's head. I suspect I need some sleep. I always need some sleep. Clearly haven't had my 12 hours a day (that's right, I only sleep for 12 hours now!). I'm not even sure if I was feeling unjolly. Perhaps jolly with a twist of lemon and hideous neckache and reflectiveness.

Should go to sleep now. I know I won't. Ever since they put me on that thyriod replacement drug I have been dreaming the weirdest things. Like, even weirder than the crap I already dream about. And that's quite a challenge!

It really is all Battle of the Alamo in my brain. Nah, it's not. The sunshine rays from my silly brain will burn all the cancer cells to a crisp.

Must punish my legs somehow. The have been terribly behaved today. One knee is not enough knees.

See you tomorow when I'll have slept off this funny funny mood...

Constanzistan.

xXx

P.s Just read this back and I'm not sure any of it is logical thinking. I definitely find my illness too amusing.

P.p.s Just wikipediaed tramadol, used to treat severe pain, don't I sound hardcore. Forgot it was related to opium, so you can proper blame all this schizz on the drugs. Just read some people get the size effect of being electrocuted from tramadol, WHY DO I NEVER GETS THE GOOD SIDE EFFECTS I JUST TALK SHIT. Ah well, tomorow's another day, I might get some new drugs to try :D