I'm royalty, my king of pain.

Good evening ladies and gents, on this 'momentous' day in UK history. Yes, Wills and Kate have finally got married and boy does everyone know it. A love story perfectly told by Jarvis Cocker-

"I want to live like common people,
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people,
I want to sleep with common people,
like you."

At least, that's what I imagine he said to Kate to chat her up. Sadly, young man, you can have all the tacky just married numberplates you want but you'll never live like common people and you'll never do what common people do. Not that Kate really is a commoner, her father just happens to be worth £30 million. It's not like he's married someone from The Manor, is it?

But anyway, you're probably all wondering why everyone's favorite republican (that's me if you're pondering who exactly that is) is waffling on about the the royal wedding (apart from the fact it gave me a great excuse to hold a big anti-monarchy party in my bedroom with the Sex Pistols on repeat- I am so original and witty and shit). Well, it had evoked many emotions in me, mainly rage and annoyance. Everyone's so contradictory. We all went mad and protested at the 80 odd million quid's worth of expenses that the MPs got through last year, yet when they royals spend that we all pretend like it's some massive great big party. Hurray! They're chucking our taxes down the drain, it's ok though because they've been doing it for years like. We have a lovely long history of the rich nabbing off the poor.

Still, I'm sure Kate had a lovely wedding. I really hope she and Wills can sleep well tonight, knowing they've just stolen millions from their own country. I hope next time they open a hospital that's just had it's budget slashed they can tell all the stories of their 25ft high trees in Westminster abbey. As the hospital medicar drivers face massive cuts to their hours (they're volunteers, for god's sake, they won't even pay for their insurance anymore) the happy couple drive off in an Aston Martin... So much bloody money cast out to sea, broadcast to 2 billion people. In no way am I overexaggerating here- the security alone for this bloody wedding hit £20,000,000- think what that could do in the NHS. Think what it could do in many areas of society. It'd take the average citizen 800 years to earn that. And we go around celebrating it. Woo-hoo.

And, before you all start, don't try and tell me how much money and tourism the royal family generate. If they really wanted to help their country they wouldn't keep Buckingham Palace under wraps (which incidentally is only just in the top 20 London attractions) and let some of the plebians bloody near it for once. The Spanish make money out of bullfighting, Mexican drugs cartels out of smuggling, it doesn't mean it's right.

So yeah, what a nice day. For the Eton rifles, anyway.

Over and out.

Queen Constanze of Cancistan.

xXx

P.s I'm not usually such a big killjoy. Just to clarify. It's nice that they're happy and in love (although I will never condone kissing in public, get off the poor woman) but seriously, it's a bit pervy, noseying in on someone else's wedding. Good luck to them, trying to live a life with the whole world watching them with binoculars.