What Space Time Continuum?...

Ok. Try to get your head around this, folks. This morning, I woke up. I went downstairs. I picked up the post. For me, there were 4 postcards and a letter from the hospital. I opened the letter from the hospital. It was dated the 27th of July. In the letter it said one of my appointments had been cancelled and moved. The said appointment was yesterday. The said appointment I had already been to, but now it's cancelled. So, the appointment to which I have already been does not exist. Still following? Thought not.

But yes, the appointment which I went to but didn't exist contained a variety of newses, ranging from mildly annoying to rather glorious. The top end of this scale being the most wonderful update that my chimerism has hit 89%- just 8% away from a SUCCESSFUL TRANSPLANT!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeee. This is good. I enjoy not dying and stuff. You can't eat EXTREMEMLY FRUITY yogurts if you're dead.

The mildly annoying news is that my hormones are very, very confused. Not in the sense that they've been trying to make head nor tail of quantum theory, but in the fact there's too many of some and not enough of the others. Like how there's too many stupid arts students and not enough SCIENTISTS. This is the proof required to confirm that Constanze is most definitely having an early menopause. I think early may be an understatement. 30 years isn't early. If I arrive early, I get there 10 minutes before. Not thirty years. HRT, here I come. Still, I cried my eyes out at Toy Story 3 and now at least I have an excuse...

Obviously, all the excitement regarding extra Germanyboneymarrowyness and Woohoonomoreperiodsforeverandever required some form of celebration. This came in the form of dying my mouth, teeth and lips blue and feeling up Jane and Ecky in a cinema. Oh, and nachos. Lots of nachos. Although minus the delicious jalapenos, as that strange lady Jane Hogan doesn't like them... ?!? See, even the perfect have flaws. Then, on the way home, we stopped to buy sweets. And, and, and... I can't believe how good this is, I am grinning so hard that I have pulled a muscle. BRAIN DROPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought they'd stopped making them, and they are my favorite sweet in the universe (Which, as my diet is around 78% sugar, is quite an achievement), so I was sad, but, upon discovering a box of them in Walton Motors's, the whole world shone with beauty and joy. God is most definitely on my side.

Speaking of God, I should probably clarify that I don't believe in god. I also don't believe there isn't a god. I believe there's no use pondering. Religionschmidgeon, just be nice to people and be happy. There's always someone worse off than you. I have one cancer, but there's some people who have two. And for the people who have two cancers, there's someone who has three. And the only thing worse than three cancers? Nick Griffin.

No hospital for something amazing like 13 days. Have fun, I shall. I have to, it's my birthday on the 12th of August, and I'm in hospital on the 10th, at the dentist on the 11th, the back in hospital again to celebrate my birthday. Woo.

And how I am at the minute, generally? What can this Stanze do? Well, here's a list of cans and can'ts because sentences are challenging.

Cans-
Eat an infinite amount of wham bars.
Stay awake for 4-5 hours at a time.
Park in disabled spaces. Woooooo. Fuck you, healthy people. I can park on your mum's face.
Make post.
Dress myself WHILE STANDING UP.
Fall asleep in rather inappropriate places. Don't ask.
Brush my teeth without vomiting.
Buy a lot of envelopes, stamps, pvc skirts and books more than 2 inches thick.
Swear loudly.
Watch lots of Korean films and Murder She Wrote.

Can'ts-
Feel awake ever.
Walk very far without hobbling and being in pains.
Eat anything proper.
Survive a day without my hot water bottle to put on all my aches and pains.
Rob banks.
Wrestle bears. That's ok though because Kelstedge is not in the Canadian wilderness.
Walk from Chesterfield bus stop to Chesterfield Train station.

As you can see though, on balance, life's pretty ok. I am looking forward to a time when I am not cancery and can go back to my old life of assassinating political figures, discovering Higg's boson, wearing impractical footwear and attending philately fairs countrywide. But, for now, licking stamps and reading about Socrates will do.

Now however, I must leave. Depart this place of internets, screens and small Indonesian rodents. For I, Constanze Aloysia Dennis the Great, Queen of all she Sees and Surveys, Daughter of the Great Sweet Scientist Who Helped Invent the Mint Imperial, need a wee.

xXxXxxXxXx

P.S My real hair got its first public outing. No one died, and there were no arrests.

P.P.S Bumped into my hospital room buddy from when I was first in, Michelle. She looked what could only be described as amazing. Back at work full time, just been to Turkey, browner than something very brown (I could only think of poo, and that is in no way complimentary...), new hair. Take that, haemogoblinz of da world.