One sleep and off we go...

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

So, here I am, in hospital for all the big major epic hospitally tiempos. Ja. I am currently waiting to be hooked up to 8 hours worth of drip, score. I forget what it does. Its name has a z in it, and that's all I need to know.

So, what's the news Constanze?

WELL.

I think nurse Andy may be the most wonderful human being that ever walked the Earth... He setup all my internet before I got here and left me a note telling me all the passwords. HENCE enabling me to write this. BUT my life nearly ended when I tried to go on Farmville and the flash player isn't good enough and it won't load and now all my pinapples are going to wither... It's no wonder people are starving in Africa if I can't even harvest my crops!

Rumors that I may be a cat have also been fuelled even more after both my gran's cat and I were both diagnosed with a heart murmur within 24 hours of each other. Apparently mine is nothing to worry about, it just serves to add to my list of faulty organs. Mmm, faulty organs. My stomach still works. Which is the important thing. OMG DIETICIANS ARE AMAZING. I went downstairs this morning to buy me some fried eggs and sausages and they informed me I had to have permission to buy them. Dinner Lady With Nice Accent tells me that some mental patient bought some food from there that he wasn't supposed to have and it made him ill, but how on earth is that the canteen's responsibility???????????? Anyway, outraged at the deprivation of my bacon I went to my nurses, who were most confused and wrote me a most wonderful note saying I could eat all the fry ups I liked. I return with note and obtain breakfast. I return to ward and nurses refer me to the dietician who puts me on a high protein diet because I am a glutton which includes FREE FRY UPS EVERY DAY. System 0, Constanze 1.

I can't believe how much I love bacon.

On a slighty more annoying note, The Only Nurse Here I Don't Like And Looks Like A Duck came into my room. Per usual, she said some strange things and then left. Started telling me I have to wear headscarves. I'll headscarf her.

BACON.

I had a gaggle of nurses at my door who all wanted to see my AMAZING BLACK PVC SHOES. If I did not own these shoes then I would do much gaggling to see them. As Shakespeare himself once said, "If you can't do it in high heels, it's not worth doing".

Did someone say bacon?

I had a CT scan of my lungs. They think I just have crappy ones because of how ill I am, and there's nothing to worry about. Uberwin. I like my organs occasionally not failing me.

This drip they're going to put me on (If they ever find it, it's gone walkies...) might make me shake like a camel in the arctic. I am quite a shaky person anyway, so the effect on me could be amazing. Probably enough to be picked up on seismographs in at least 3 corners of the Earth. The Great Hallamshire Earthquake of 2009. Has quite a ring to it. Damnit, had I have known all this sooner I could've written about it in geology A level.

THE MOUTHWASH IS BACK. This time, with a rather minty vengance. A cool nurse brought it in and my heart sank at the sight. To be honest,I'd have rather seen a dead hamster... I would really like one of my eyeballs to be detachable, that would be so useful. The optic nerve could be easily replaced by bluetooth. I'd bounce it out of my hospital window so I could nosey on what all the people on other floors are doing. Maybe someone'll be having a party and I can gatecrash... CANCER PARTY! They are not popular with peopleother than me. Oh well.

So far today I have swallowed 14 tablets, has one syringe of jizz like fluid, and two shots of what looks like piss.

That is all for now.

Now I am going to learn about the many drugs which I will have pumped into me.

xXXx